Heaven Jokes Category

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven."Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked."I could eat," said Seymour.The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don`t understand.""To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it really pay to cook?" Read more

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven`s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit."That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?""Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I`ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.""Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you`reshowering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?""Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." Read more

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?""Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.."And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest."Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny. Read more

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.. Some folks are walking around with one wing . They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren`t even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let`s call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there."The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I`m back. What was the question?"God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having downthere?"The Devil said, "Man, I don`t believe this..... Hold on, God."This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I`m sorry, God, I can`t talk right now. These Cajuns have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit to install air conditioning and Direct TV so they can watch LSU in the Sugar Bowl" Read more

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500.""That`s right! You may enter."St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." Read more

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don`t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let`s take it up with God and see what he says." So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again." And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God`s permission for the third timeto marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy!Until... Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn`t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to termswith the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?!Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven!Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!" Read more

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.""Oh, No!" she said.But Saint Peter said not to worry he`d make it easy. "Who was God`s son?" asked Saint Peter.The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!""That`s interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.Then the Blonde started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." Read more

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a littlestricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.The first man in line says, ?I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.?The angel says, ?Okay, you may enter.?He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.She states, ?I earned $150,000 as an attorney.? The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.He turns to the third one in line and asks, ?What have you done with your life??The man replies, ?I earned $8,000 last year . . .??Oh,? the angel interrupts. ?What did you teach?? Read more

A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, ?Please,sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony uphere???Well,? St. Peter replies, ?It`s never been done but I`ll check into it.?Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, ?Okay, you can get married now.?A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn?t so happy anymore.?Please, St. Peter,? the man complains, ?my wife is driving me insane. If we weren`t dead already I`d have to kill her.??Okay, okay,? St. Peter replies, ?I`ll see what I can do.?A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share the good news.?That`s great sir,? the man exclaims, ?but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce???Well,? St. Peter replies, ?it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?? Read more