Hillary Clinton Jokes Category

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.""No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy.""I`m afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer."What?" asks Clinton, "Isn`t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.""Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?""Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn`t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" Read more

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?""That`s Mother Teresa`s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.""Whose clock is that?""That`s Abraham Lincoln`s clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.""Where`s Bill`s clock?" Hillary asked."Bill`s clock is in Jesus` office. He`s using it as a ceiling fan." Read more

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." Read more

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie`s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What`ll it be?"Bill didn`t hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I`m good, but not THAT good. I don`t think it can be done. Make another wish."Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don`t like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she`s mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That`s what I want."The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again." Read more

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is."Kenneth.""And what is your question, Kenneth?""I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all thosethings you took when you left the White House?"Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddiesthat they will continue after recess.When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that`s right, question time. Who has a question?"A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is."Larry.""And what is your question?""I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell gooff 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?" Read more

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."There`s no easy way to say this, so I`ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman`s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller`s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question."Will I be acquitted?" Read more

By accident Hillary Clinton and Bob Dole met."If I were your wive", Hilary said, "I`d put poison in your coffee"."And if I were your husband", replied Bob, "I`d gladly drink it." Read more

On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor. Read more

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer..."I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim.In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?""Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted."A pandering media?" she asked."They`ll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured."And you want my soul, my family`s souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked."Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:"So...what`s the catch?" Read more

Signs Hillary Clinton Does Not Understand New York* Actually ate a street vendor hot dog.* Sees Statue of Liberty and asks, "Oh, is that new?"* Believes the Mets can take it all the way this year.* Gave speech to Hasidic Jews in which she promised to "fight for the rights of you Amish folk."* Had an exploratory committee look into what an extended middle finger means.* Keeps asking when she`ll get to meet Batman.* Featured guest at her fundraisers: Reggie Miller.* Thinks the "subway" is just some place Bill takes her for their anniversary dinner.* Paid $25,000 for a sidewalk Rolex. Read more