Horse Jokes Category

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse`s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse`s neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.She is now at the mercy of the horse`s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off. Read more

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse`s tail and our friend was stuck again.The neighbor suggested she notch the earoff one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn`t tell them apart.The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black. Read more

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approachingenemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse`s back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:"All right, just half of you this time!" Read more

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn`t move.Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn`t respond.Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn`t even try." Read more

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse`s trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, `ALLLLEEE OOOP!` really loudly in the horse`s ear. Providing you do that, you`ll be fine."The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer`s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse`s ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It`s no good, I`ll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it`s this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He`s not deaf--he`s BLIND!" Read more

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest`s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and theywon. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I`ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!"The priest nodded wisely and said, "That`s the problem with you Protestants... you can`t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites." Read more

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that`s a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I`d like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so`s I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I`ll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.Liam says, O sure and you don`t want to be messin with this horse he don`t look too good these days.Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don`t you try to tell me what`s a good lookin` horse an what isn`t. I been tradin` horses all my life long and there ain`t nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we`ll get along fine.I`m sayin` to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don`t want any part of `im, says Liam.The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what`s good lookin and what`s not and jes give me the price and I`ll pay cash right here and now.Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn` tell me this here horse was blind!I keep tellin` you he don`t look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that`s none of my business, so in the end I gave up. Read more

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It`s the carburetor that`s not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.Murphy said, "Well, don`t pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway." Read more