Housekeeping Jokes Category

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn`t bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it." Read more

Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I`m in the family way."The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."Mrs Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation."Well," Aimara explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, `You are in the way`. I go to the living room to clean and your son say `You are in my way`. So I`m in the family way and I quit." Read more

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time.He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning.Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" Read more

My friend`s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." Read more

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted tomy father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.""Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!" Read more

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don`t do wonders cleaning this up, I`ll eat every chunk of it."She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"She says, "We just moved in and we haven`t got the electricity turned on yet." Read more

Martha`s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.Martha`s way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you`ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.Martha`s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha`s way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren`t you going to take the shells off anyway?Martha`s way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.Martha`s way #6: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won`t be any stains.`My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won`t be any leftovers.Martha`s way #7: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won`t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.My way: Go to the bakery. They`ll even decorate it for you.Martha`s way #8: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it`s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that`s too bad. My motto: If it`s cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.Martha`s way #9: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?Martha`s way #10: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn`s natural sweetness.My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.Martha`s way #11: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.My way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.Martha`s way #12: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.My way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.Martha`s way #13: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. Read more

Every Scotsman`s fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting... Read more

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I`ll put down newspapers.""That`s all right, lady," he responded. "I`m already trained." Read more

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Auburn." Read more