Internet Jokes Category

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.Nancy`s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It`s true, Mom.Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy`s mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?" Read more

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." Read more

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message."Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account." Read more

our name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you--we`re talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have youchecked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?We`re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Doyou:1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you`ll receive a reply one day from a company you`ll never do business with anyway?6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you`d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?10) All of the above?If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have aproblem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE`SSAKEWe`re here, we`re free, and we`re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line. Read more

Everyone Repeat After Me1. "I won`t get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don`t forward this.2. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria`s Secret doesn`t know anything about a gift certificate they`re supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.3. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke-a-Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don`t know who the devil I am anyway.4. I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this. NEVER!!!!5. My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.6. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.7. There is no kid with cancer through the Make-A-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and doesn`t want any more postcards, calling cards or get-well cards! (His garbage pick-up fees are through the roof from sacks of mail.)8. The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.9. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this.10. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.11. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of-before disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don`t donate!12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend or by telling me I have no conscience or don`t believe in Jesus Christ.If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along. Even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I`m SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I`m sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forward`s in it!" Read more

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty`s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can`t because there isn`t one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers` questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don`t have to explain it.9. You know Bill Gates` e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).13. You back up your data every day.14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot`s phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don`t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it`s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don`t know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don`t use a laptop.31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You`d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.32. You don`t even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone`s keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.35. While you`re away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.36. You are reading this from a screen. Read more

Misunderstandings about the InternetCustomer: "I`d like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"Customer: "I would like an Internet please."Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"Customer: "I don`t have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"Customer: "We`re getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"Customer: "We`re going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"Customer: "I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access??"Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it`s gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"Customer: "The Internet site`s giving me a busy signal!"Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!" Read more

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television ...Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...10. When you turn on your television, you`ll hear "You`ve got Pay Per View".9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can`t cancel, no matter how hard you try.5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don`t have a "real" cable company like they do.and the number one change....1. "You`ve been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated." Read more

Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide WebTen Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web1. It doesn`t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.8. You just can`t find those cool infomercials on the Web.9. Set-top boxes don`t beep and whine when you hook up to cable.10. You can`t surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other. Read more