Irish Jokes Category

A young Irish girl goes into her irish priest on Saturday morning for confession. "irish father, forgive me for I have Thinned." "You`ve Thinned?" "Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." "Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." "Will that wash away me Thin?" "No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." Read more

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of irish father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the irish priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "irish father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I`ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don`t," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!" Read more

Young O`Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "irish father," he said breathlessly, "I`ve just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the irish priest, O`Donnell said, "irish father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven`t fainted," replied the confessor. "I`m waitin` for you to stop talkin` politics and commence confessin` your sins!" Read more

One little Atheist boy`s parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn`t concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!" Read more

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don`t have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don`t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?` "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you`ve been dating a Penguin" Read more

It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson`s, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young lad`s mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson`s in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic irish priest!" Read more

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish irish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good irish father said "oh no, we can`t have services for a dog here, but there`s a new church down the street that might be wiling." "irish father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn`t me your dog was a catholic!!!?" Read more

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can`t take anything from you, I`m just glad I didn`t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I`ll give him the three things that I would want. I`ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I`m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It`s great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that`s not too bad for a Catholic irish priest in a small parish." Read more

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the irish priest, "irish father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I`m happy you liked it," said the irish priest. "But I wish you wouldn`t use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can`t help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the irish priest. Read more

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, irish father, for I have sinned," he said. "I`ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the irish priest. "For penance, do the stations!" Read more