Japanese Jokes Category

There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don`t believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves." The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari. The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat. Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells, "There`s your fucking canoe!" Read more

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there`s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he`s in luck; there`s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." Read more

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold." The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one? The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace." Read more

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband`s clothes and let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle." Read more

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let`s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said `Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth`"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I`m gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Read more

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don`t mind telling you, but I`m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can`t possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn`t possible," the man insisted. "We`re pure Oriental." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I`ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It`s just rust." Read more

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant`s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team`s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem." Read more

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think? Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician`s aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there`s the problem." "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That`s easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess makes the fart go Honda." Read more

Two whales spot Japanese Whaler. First whale: That`s the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them! Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let`s do it!" First: "We`ll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our blow-holes". This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it. First: "Darn it! We`ll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and swallow them all down!" Second: "No way! I don`t mind the blow-job but I`m not swallowing the seamen!" Read more