Jewish Jokes Category

The dream.
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn`t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?" Read more

The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don`t you realize that this is a Christian country? You`ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who`s trying to teach us Marketing." Read more

Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted  - Women`s section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela`s Kashas  - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova  - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock  - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah  - It`s Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don`t Cry  - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B`Av.
Goy Story 2  - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon -  Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle -  Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am. Read more

Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I`d like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don`t schlep on Shabbos!" Read more

The yiddish speaker.
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?" Read more

Kol Nidre night.
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I`m a life long Spurs fan. I`ve got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that`s what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"? Read more

Come & get me!
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I`d never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don`t be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I`m too embarrassed to tell you, they`re terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..." Read more

Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris`s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill." Read more

The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz  answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I`ll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!" Read more

The convert.
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest`s sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don`t start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..." Read more