Jewish Jokes Category

The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I`ve never told anybody I`m a gay!"
John confesses, "I`m having an affair with my boss`s wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don`t know how to tell you...."
"Don`t be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can`t keep secrets." Read more

The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn`t believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don`t know Madonna."   Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what`s more we`ve had dinner together. Now we are friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna`s house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there.  But Martin wasn`t convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA. We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened to take a look in Moishe`s direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!" and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let`s have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn`t believe it. But his mind didn`t stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn`t know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope`s staff and ran to where Martin was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn`t stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?" Read more

The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn`t take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn`t take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie`s sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie`s shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won`t fall off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I`m an old man. I`ve lived for many, many years and I`ve celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!" Read more

The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?" Read more

The Indian holiday
Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London, goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
"Why India? It`s filthy, very hot, and it`s filled to the brim with Indians. It`s a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can`t drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You`ll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"That`s okay."
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home." Read more

The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don`t you go to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you`re Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I`m telling everyone!" Read more

Jewish Quickies
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: They want to. Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
A: Because they are worth it. Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering. Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe`s head and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.” Read more

Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. Worried about in-law meddling? I`m an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. Read more

The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he`s a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I`m God." Read more

Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly, take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!`
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it`s OK but to live here....!?" Read more