Jewish Jokes Category

The watch tower
In the middle of a forest is a small town. It was built far from the main roads and the Jews living there were afraid that when the Messiah comes, he would not know they were there and would pass them by. So they build a tower on the edge of town and appoint the town beggar as watchman. If the Messiah should come, the watchman would give him directions to the town.
One day a stranger visits the tower and as instructed, the watchman comes down to greet him.
"What are you doing here in the middle of nowhere?" asks the stranger.
"My job is to sit on top of this tower and wait for the Messiah," answers the watchman.
"So how do you like your job?" the stranger asks, "it can’t pay you much."
"I know," replies the watchman, "but at least it’s steady work." Read more

Riddle
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
A: They put them in the car. Read more

The birthday pullover
It was Victor’s birthday in a few days time and his bubbeh goes out to buy him a present. She finds a menswear shop that was having a half-price sale and buys a luxurious rollneck pullover for him. Unfortunately, the pullover was for a size 14 neck and Victor was a size 18.
When Victor receives his present, he immediately tries it on. He then writes a thank you note to his bubbeh. This is what he wrote: -

"Dear Bubbeh, Thanks a lot for the beautiful pullover. I`d write more but I`m all choked up."

Read more

Better late than never
Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.
“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”
“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still shopping.”
“Oy Vay!” says Morris, “I hope she’s not shopping!” Read more

The visitor
Issy has just had a minor operation at a private hospital and is having a rest when a young, attractive and smartly dressed woman knocks on his door.
The door opens a bit and a woman’s voice from within says, "Yes, vat do you vant?"
"Hello," says the young lady, "I have come to see how Issy’s doing after his operation."
"He’s doing vell, but he’s asleep," says the voice from within. "Who are you?"
"Oh, I`m his ….sister," replies the young lady.
"How very nice. I am pleased to meet you. So for you, I vill wake him up."
With that, she walks over to the bed, taps Issy on the shoulder and says, "Issy, vake up. Vake up Issy, you shyster. Vhy you not tell me? I am your mama! Your shiksa - she`s so much better than your wife?" Read more

Business turnaround
Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Hi Moshe, I haven’t seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"
"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."
"What do you mean?" Sam asks.
"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience." Read more

So what?
Sadie was in her garden hanging up her washing when Sharon, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence and said, "I don’t like being the one to have to tell you this Sadie, but there`s a rumour going around that your husband Cyril is chasing the shiksas."
"So what?" said Sadie.
"But at his age!" said Sharon, "He`s over 70 isn’t he?"
"Nu, so he`s seventy-two, so what?" replied Sadie, "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?" Read more

The stock market
One day, little Benny asks his father Harry question, "Dad, what is the Stock Market?"
"Benny," replies Harry, "you’re too young to understand. Later."
"I am not that young," says Benny, "I want to know now."
"Please, wait a few years, then you will understand better."
"Dad, I don`t want to start life poor, like you did, selling second-hand furniture. That’s why I want to know now"
"Alright, already," said Harry, "It`s like this.  You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs.  So, next year, you have thirty chickens.  These thirty chickens then all lay eggs and these eggs turn into chickens.  So you end up having thousands of chickens and you’re well off.  You see, this is the stock market. You understand, Benny?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And then, one day, the sky opens up and it rains. It rains like in the days of Noah. The floods come and they wash away all the chickens until they drown and you then have only two or three chickens left. You see, this is the stock market - you should have bought ducks." Read more

Use of arms
Hymie is walking along Hendon Avenue carrying a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming towards him.
"Hi Abe." says Hymie, "Nu? How are you?"
"Oy vay," says Abe, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don`t ask! But tell me, how are you?"
"Me?" says Hymie, "You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?" Read more

Gold
Benny and Max meet one shabbes whilst parking their cars down a little road out of site of the synagogue. As they begin their 5minute walk to the synagogue, Benny says, "I’m glad I’ve bumped into you Max. It’s my parents` Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you to come to the party."
"It’s nice of you to ask," replies Max, "Thank you, yes, I will come."
"And if you have some friends you can bring with you, please do so," says Benny, "It will be nice to have a lot of people at the party."
"Yes. I can bring Hymie Cohen and Melvyn Levy."
"Great, but don`t forget to remind them to bring something gold."
"OK."
So Max brought a goldfish, Hymie Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Melvyn Levy brought Howard Goldberg. Read more