Jewish Jokes Category

How he got his job
David has done well for himself and is Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers stops and calls out
"What`s new, Andrea?"
"Why, it`s nice to see you again Avi," Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to laugh. "You don`t realise how lucky you are. If I hadn`t come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he`d now be a Mayor!" Read more

What`s in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl`s name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl`s name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it`s a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It`s Whoopi." Read more

The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we`re teaching him English." Read more

Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
Somehow, they`ve been lucky and manage to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there`s an empty seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand, we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That`s my late husband`s seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They`re all at the shiva." Read more

The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world`s Jewish communities, include: -
(1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I`ve just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials`, "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
(2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
(3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
(4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
(5)Triathlon: This year`s Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
(6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
(7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
(8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(9)Rings: No longer part of men`s gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three C`s," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three S`s," smile, sophistication, and simchas. Read more

The Jewish dog
Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can`t bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says Nathan, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That`s fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
"You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants to be a marketing manager." Read more

The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in a squeaky voice, "I`d like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for the Jewish National Fund." Read more

Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge  for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They`ll find us for sure!!" Read more

Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness  -  I`d thought I`d gone deaf." Read more

Hello
- Hello, that`s you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn`t sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You`re positive it`s Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?
- Ven Abe comes in, I`ll tell him you called... Read more