Jewish Jokes Category

Two personal adverts in a Jewish magazine

• Israeli lady age 28. Serves behind the falafel counter in Moshe’s Deli. Looking for nice Jewish guy with a good sense of humus.
• I’m looking for the girl I met last week at the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn (horseradish) for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine and cholent stains on my tie.

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Terms of endearment
Shlomo and Hetty are having breakfast one morning when Hetty suddenly says, "You don’t talk nicely to me any more Shlomo, not the way you used to when we first got married. I don’t think you love me."
"Don’t love you?" Shlomo growled, "There you go again saying, ‘I don’t love you.’ Don’t you know that I love you more than life itself? So please shut up now and let me get on with reading the morning papers." Read more

Wrong one
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks – the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he can’t wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him, lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts short his walk and goes straight to his doctor.  After a brief examination, doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe you’ve wiped yourself with some poison ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do? The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don`t worry," replies doctor Myers, "here’s some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor, takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet, the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika toches fun der milchedika tepple." Read more

All’s fair in love and war
Kitty and Freda are having lunch together at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they order only one dish of ‘fried fish pieces’ which they intend to share. They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely look at each other.
Kitty says, "Please, you choose first."
"No," replies Freda, "you can choose first."
Kitty says, "OK, I`ll take first," and puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate.
Freda is surprised. "Why did you take the big piece? That`s not very polite."
"So which piece would you have taken, then?" asks Kitty.
"I would have taken the small piece," replies Freda.
"So what’s the problem, Freda," says Kitty, "that`s what you’ve got." Read more

Another version of The Good Wife Guide (see also #745 32nd set)
This article (believe it or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 1960’s. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious manner – it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please don’t blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century as much as they have!
Challenge. If anyone wants to prepare, “The Good Husband Guide” as you think it might have been written in the 1960’s, then send it to me. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you immense personal satisfaction.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offers – he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s. at the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. Read more

The three Jews
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, "When I emigrate to New York, I`m going to have to change my name. They won`t call me Berel anymore, they`ll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I emigrate to New York, I`ll also have to change my name. They`ll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says, "Well I`m not going anywhere." Read more

The court proceedings
[My thanks to Frank for the following]
Judge Allen enters Court number 1 and sits down. He feels ready for the day`s business. However, the first case involves Moshe Cohen and as soon as Judge Allen sees this elderly man with his long white beard, peyess (side curls) and kippot, without even asking a question, he says to the court clerk, "Get me a translator."
When the translator arrives, Judge Allen points to Moshe and says to the translator, "Ask him his name, his age and where he’s from."
The translator says to Moshe, "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
Moshe smiles, looks at Judge Allen and replies in perfect English, "Your honour, my name is Moshe Cohen, I shall be 82 tomorrow and I live in Oxford University where I’m professor of Hebrew Philosophy."
The translator then turns to Judge Allen and says, "Ehr zukt, ehr is Moshe Cohen, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford." Read more

Clever answer #1
Hannah worked for El Al and was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  A man approached and as she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his overcoat and ‘flashed’ her. Without blinking, Hannah said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Read more

Clever answer #2
Moshe, an experienced traffic policeman, got out of his car, walked over to the youngster he had just stopped for speeding, asked him to wind down his window and said, "I`ve been waiting for you all day."
The youngster replied, "Yes, I know, officer, I got here as fast as I could."
When Moshe finally stopped laughing, he sent the youngster on his way without a ticket. Read more

Clever answer #3
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of the following day’s final exam. "Now class, I won`t tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I’ll only consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow I said I couldn’t come in because I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess I’d say you`d have to write the exam with your other hand." Read more