Jewish Jokes Category

The rowing crew
Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided to put together a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn`t stand any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University team.
So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid in the bullrushes off the river  from where he carefully watched the Oxford team as they practised.
Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting." Read more

Two little boys talking
“I`m getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I had that done when I was just a few days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn`t walk for a year.” Read more

Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril`s zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I`m with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?" Read more

Sir Chicken Matthews
A Sunday League Jewish football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a kosher chicken in their team.
Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it`s clearing off its own line, the next its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the referee.
"I`m a chartered accountant" replies the chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref. and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I had no choice - Professional Fowl" Read more

The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I`m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That`s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can`t afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I`ll give you a year to live." Read more

The Headache.
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now." Read more

The rumpus
Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early.  The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What`s going on in there?"
She replies, "It`s a partners` meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It`s a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits." Read more

The flight
Moishe was on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl, really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I`m from Miami."
"What are you doing in NY?"
"I`m finishing my Ph.D."
"What`s it about?"
"It`s a study of which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the conclusion?"
"The two groups are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you, my name is Caramuru Goldstein!" Read more

The deal
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "Joseph, I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we`ll talk about it."
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father`s study where his father said, "Joseph, I`ve been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you`ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn`t get your hair cut!" Joseph waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!" Read more

Telling the future
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is `Nu?`. When one says to another, `Nu?` the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming." Read more