Jewish Jokes Category

What an angel
Sadie has been married for five years and is pleased when her husband Issy starts to call her ‘an angel’.  She likes compliments as much as the next woman, but after it goes on for a few weeks, Sadie asks Issy, "Why do you call me an angel, dear?"
"Because," replies Issy, "you’re always up in the air, you’re continually harping on about something and you never have a thing to wear." Read more

Kind wishes
Henry says to Alan, "You should live, please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."
"Thank you Henry," says Alan, "but why the 3 months?"
"Because," replies Henry, "I wouldn’t want you to die suddenly." Read more

Wrong one
Kitty and Anna, two elderly ladies, are having a bite to eat in Brent Cross shopping centre one day when Anna notices something odd and takes a long hard look at Kitty’s right ear. "Kitty," she says, "do you know that you`ve got a suppository sticking out of your right ear?"
"You say I have a suppository in my ear?" replies Kitty, "so let me see already."
Kitty pulls it out, stares at it for a while, then says, "Anna, I`m so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." Read more

A question of noodles
Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me, Monty, you’re a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do we call noodles ‘noodles’?"
"Well," says Monty, "it’s simple, really. They’re soft like noodles, aren’t they? They’re also long like noodles, aren’t they? And they certainly taste like noodles, don’t they? So why shouldn’t we call them noodles?" Read more

Why I love children
Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it`s the rabbi," shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy can`t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She`s hitting the bottle." Read more

Do you want the good news or bad news?
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -

FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at £30,000.  Please advise.

Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: -

FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

Read more

The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money.  But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man, "I’m the moneylender." Read more

Bedtime games
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answers.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy.
"Yes," replies Hannah.
"Then I`d like to phone a friend," says Benjy. Read more

A question of flight
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they`d be "bagels" Read more

A good sex life
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold been married, Becky?" asks Sadie.
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five years," replies Becky.
"That’s a long time, Becky," says Sadie. "How’s your sex life been all this time?"
"It’s been OK," replies Becky, "especially the S&M."
"You’re really into S&M?" asks Sadie with surprise.
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I have been into S&M for some time now – he snores and I masturbate." Read more