Jewish Jokes Category

Three sons
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can`t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he`s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.” Read more

The operation
The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his head and said, "Let`s not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported." Read more

The impossible wish.
Tony Blair was on holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I`m only giving out one wish. So...what`ll it be?"
Tony didn`t hesitate. He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war for years! I`m good, but I`m not that good. I don`t think it can be done. So make another wish."
Tony thought for a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone trust me more. That`s my wish."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..." Read more

The Rabbi`s Advice.
Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What`s wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I`m telling you, I`m certain she`s poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I`ll see what I can find out and I`ll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi. Read more

Saved by the bear?
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh`ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We`re mishpocheh--I`m saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear`s prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA`ARETZ." Read more

Quickies
Q: What`s the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy  who kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he`s an orphan. Q: What`s a Jewish Princess`s favourite position?
A: lnside Brent Cross Shopping Centre. Read more

The two sons
Bette and Freda were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail sentences.
Bette says: "Oy, my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well, mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
"Oy," says Bette, "You must get such naches from Jacob." Read more

The 10 commandments
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in." Read more

The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser." Read more

RSVP.
Avrahom and Betty were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn`t figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the graduate, was here, he`d know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.
"Darling, I`ve figured it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present." Read more