Jewish Jokes Category

Seminars for Jewish men, given by women lecturers

1. Combating stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS - learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. We do not want sleazy underwear for presents - give us money
5. Wonderful laundry techniques
6. Parenting - no, it doesn`t end with conception
7. Get a life - learn to cook
8. How not to act like a moron when you`re obviously wrong
9. You - the weaker sex
10. Reasons to give flowers
11. How to stay awake after sex

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Tit for tat
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Abe comes home one day and shows his wife Hette the two CDs he’s just bought from a friend in the office. Hette takes one look at them and shouts, "Are you stupid? What’s this rubbish you’ve bought with our hard earned money? You haven’t got a CD to play them on."
"So what," replies Abe, "Remember when you bought those two bras last week? Did you hear me say anything?" Read more

How to do marketing
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Issy and his friend Benny meet in Brent Cross for their regular fortnightly chat over coffee. "Oy veh, Benny," says Issy, "I just can’t seem to sell my car. I’ve been advertising it in the Jewish Chronicle for nearly 2 months and I haven’t had even one enquiry."
"Really?" replies Benny, "So how did you word the advert?"
"It went something like this," replies Issy,

1985 Ford Cortina 1300 for sale: One rear brake light missing, bonnet dented in two places, no air conditioning, no radio, side window cracked, needs re-spray. £500 or near offer

Benny thinks for a moment and says, "Oy, no wonder no one called. Take out your note book and write down this better advert. You’ll sell your car very quickly." He then dictates this advert

Vintage car for sale: unique, lots of character, owned by non-smoker, good runner, light on petrol, open space plan, easy to maintain, one or two things to put right but ideal for the imaginative executive who’s going places

When they meet up again a few weeks later, Benny asks Issy, "Nu? So did you sell the car already?"
"Are you meshugga?" replies Issy, "why should I sell such a wonderful car like that?" Read more

Why didn’t you ask?
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Fact: The children of Israel roamed the desert for 40 years.
Conclusion: Even in those days, a man would never ask for directions. Read more

Insomnia cure
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Dr Myers has been looking after one of his patients, 80-year-old Freda, for most of her life. But he retires and passes all his patients over to the newly qualified Dr Faith who has just joined the practice.  One of the first things Dr Faith does is to ask to see Freda and she should bring with her a list of all the medicines that have been prescribed for her. Eventually, Freda has her appointment.
As Dr Faith is looking through Freda’s list, he is totally shocked to see that she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs Cohen," he says, "do you realise that these are birth control pills?"
"Yes doctor," replies Freda, "they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs Cohen," says Dr Faith, "I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing in birth control pills that could possibly help you sleep better at night."
When she hears this, Freda reaches over to Dr Faith, lovingly pats him on his knee and says, "Yes, doctor, I know this, but every morning I get up very early, grind up one of the pills and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter Suzy drinks when she awakes. Believe me doctor, this helps me sleep at night." Read more

What a spectacle!
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Rifka is a simple young housewife who enjoys many simple things in life. One day, as she is walking through the John Lewis department store, Rifka notices a pair of X-ray glasses on special sale. She is not convinced that such a thing can really work but the store assistant convinces her that they are indeed X-ray glasses. So she buys a pair.
As soon as she leaves the store, Rifka opens the package, puts on her new X-ray glasses and immediately sees everyone around her naked. She removes them and everyone has their clothes on. She puts them on and everyone is naked again.
"How cool," she thinks, "I can’t wait to get home to show them to Gary."
So she decides to cut her shopping and finish it the next day. She makes her way home and when she arrives, she finds Gary and the young lady from next door in bed together. She puts on the glasses and they are naked. She takes off the glasses and the two are still naked. She puts them back on and they are still naked.
Rifka then says, "Bother, I just paid fifty pounds for these glasses and they’ve broken already!" Read more

Deja vu
It’s a very hot August afternoon and Sarah is taking her daily walk. As she nears her local shul, she notices that the shrubbery outside the entrance is on fire. She bangs on the gabbai`s door and when he opens it, she tells him that he should call the fire brigade before the fire causes any damage.
The gabbai dials 999, identifies himself, gives his location and explains the situation.
"Do you mean to tell me," says the emergency operator, "that there`s a burning bush on the synagogue lawn and you want us to put it out?" Gabbai: Synagogue warden Read more

The snare
Sarah and Benjy have been dating throughout their college years but at no time did Benjy talk once to Sarah about marriage. But now that they have graduated, Sarah’s mother, Kitty, has a quiet talk with her daughter.
"Darling," says Kitty, "although Benjy is an absolutely smashing young man, I think you’ve been too patient with him. He’ll make a marvellous husband but he needs a bit of pushing. You must now use every opportunity to hint at marriage."
The following weekend, Benjy takes Sarah to Minky’s Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he reads the menu, he casually asks her, "Sarah darling, how do you want your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without hesitating, Sarah looks up at him, smiles sexily and replies, "Thrown." Read more

The children’s weekly Talmud lesson
Rabbi Levy arrives at his shul’s weekly children’s service. This is when he gathers all the little children around him and gives them a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them. He never misses an opportunity to give them a suitable message.
On this particular shabbes, he decides to use squirrels for an object lesson on teaching them the need for industry and preparation. So he starts out by saying to the children, "I`m now going to describe something to you and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."
The children nod eagerly.
"This thing runs around in trees (pause)… and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands go up.
"And it’s grey or brown (pause)… and it has a bushy tail (pause)…"
The children look at each other, but still no hands are raised.
"And it takes big jumps from one branch to another (pause)… and it chatters and flips its tail when it`s excited (pause)…"
Finally, little Sam tentatively raises his hand. Rabbi Levy breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Good, Sam, so what do you think it is?"
"Well, rabbi," says little Sam, "I know the answer must be Moses … but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!" Read more

The appointment
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Harry has a ‘malfunction problem’ and makes an appointment to see a consultant urologist in Harley Street. When Harry arrives, he notices that the waiting room is already filled with patients. As he walks over to the receptionist to check in, he can’t help noticing that she is a very large and unfriendly looking woman who looks just like a Sumo wrestler. He says to her, "My name is Harry and I’ve got an appointment with Dr Bard."
The receptionist replies in a very loud voice that everyone can hear, "Yes, Harry, your name is on my list. You want to see the doctor about impotence. Is that correct?"
All the patients in the waiting room turn to look at Harry, who is by now very embarrassed. However, he quickly gathers himself together and in an equally loud voice replies, "No, you’re wrong. I`ve come to inquire about the possibility of a sex change operation, but now I’ve seen you, I don`t want the same doctor that did yours." Read more