Jewish Jokes Category

Is sex work?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God`s work, or pleasure.
The priest says, "It is God`s work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says, "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I`m not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone to come in and do it for her." Read more

We want to get divorced
91-year-old Monty and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We were just waiting for the children to die." Read more

The joke
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew`s Bar Mitzvah...." Read more

The visit to Mars.
Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"They look pretty primitive. Let`s impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it`s working - light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!" Read more

The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it`s going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I`ll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley." Read more

Jews in China
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don`t know," Sid replied. "Why don`t we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!" Read more

Sabbath Violator.
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Morris replied. "Didn`t you read that book I lent you, `The Other Side of the Story`, about the command to judge other people favourably? I`ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving`s behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he`s sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he`s healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his wife`s having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She`s home."
"Well, maybe he`s running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it`s Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it`s Shabbos. Didn`t you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you`re a really observant! I didn`t even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn`t you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?" Read more

A stay in hospital
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough." Read more

A Jewish Mother`s Letter.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don`t worry about me. I`m just fine considering I can`t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I`ve sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you`ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they`ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she`s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it`s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don`t you worry about me. I`m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don`t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love, Mum Read more

The Old Man
Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold`s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don`t see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I`ll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me and I don`t want to remind him." Read more