Jewish Jokes Category

The chicken inspector
[My thanks to The IrRev. John B for the following]
Freda walks into MINKOFF THE BUTCHER and asks Harry for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, "You call this a fresh chicken?"
"Mrs Cohen," replies Harry, "you could pass such an inspection?" Read more

Riddle
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. I`ll lend him my car, the rest is up to him. Read more

Jewish blood
Although Sean, a wealthy businessman, is only 40, he needs a heart transplant. But as he has a very rare blood group, he has to wait until his doctors can find a suitable blood donor. Fortunately, Sean doesn`t have to wait too long - Benny has the same blood type and is willing to donate some of his blood to help out.  After the surgery, Sean shows his appreciation by sending Benny a thank you card and a cheque for £10,000.  Benny is very surprised to receive this – after all, he didn’t agree to donate his blood for any reward. Sean’s priest also writes to Benny saying that it’s so good to see such co-operation between the faiths.
Ten years later, Sean needs another operation and his doctors immediately contact Benny to see whether he`s willing to donate his blood again. Once more, Benny agrees. After the surgery, Sean shows his appreciation by sending Benny a thank you card and £250 worth of Marks & Spencer gift tokens.  Benny is once again appreciative as he didn’t agree to donate his blood for any reward.
Sean`s wife, however, is not at all happy that her husband hasn’t rewarded Benny in the same generous manner as before. So she asks him why.
"Bubbeleh," replies Sean, "don’t be such a shmo. My new blood has given me some saychel and it’s obvious to me why I can’t reward Benny as I did before. Our beautiful daughter Jane, kin-a-hora, is getting married next year to a wonderful mensh and because I don’t want to be seen as a shnorrer, I’ve got to find a lot of gelt to pay for the simcha." bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, pet or honey)
gelt: money
kin-a-hora: expression used to ward of evil eye
mensh: man of fine qualities, a good human being
saychel: common sense
shmo: fool
shnorrer: cheapskate, professional  beggar
simcha: joyous celebration Read more

Riddle
Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggeneh Read more

Yeshurun (the straight one)
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]

Dear Rabbi Levy,
Is it permissible to take Viagra on shabbes?
Regards
Moshe My dear Moshe,
There are 2 differing thoughts on this. One is that it’s disallowed because it violates the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on shabbes. However, I believe that one should read "boneh" as "boner" and thus it’s permitted to ingest Viagra on shabbes.
Looking at it another way, the taking of Viagra is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the children are asleep and your wife doesn`t have a headache.
Regards
Rabbi Levy Kabbalat Shabbat: an early evening service welcoming shabbes

Read more

His new ears
[My thanks to Bernard K for the following]
One day, there’s an explosion at the oil refinery where Moshe works and although he doesn’t lose his life, he does lose his ears - both are blown off in the blast. So he goes to see doctor Myers, a Harley Street specialist. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well Moshe, I can reconstruct your ears without too much of a problem."
"That’s great news, doctor," says Moshe, "but how will you do it?"
"I use one of 3 types of material for reconstructing ears," says doctor Myers. "I can rebuild using plastic, cow’s ears or pig’s ears. Here’s some samples to help you chose."
Moshe carefully feels each sample in turn. He thinks the plastic too hard and the cow’s ears too soft. But the pig’s ears feel very natural and though he isn`t happy using non-kosher materials, Moshe decides to go for them.
Three weeks after the operation, Moshe goes back to Harley Street for a check up. Doctor Myers is pleased with the appearance of Moshe’s new ears and asks him whether his hearing is impaired in any way.
"No doctor," replies Moshe, "but I do get some crackling from time to time." Read more

A sharp practice
[My thanks to Bernard K for the following]
Joshua has been an active member of the Union of Newspaper Typesetters for over 40 years. Then just before his retirement, he suddenly dies. When his Union hears the sad news, they check first that it’s OK for a goy to attend Joshua’s funeral. Then they choose Brother Peter Smith to represent them.
After the funeral, the Union’s General Secretary phones Peter Smith for a report on how the funeral went.
"Well," says Peter, "sometimes I think Jews can be as crazy as the rest of us. When I got there, this little man with a beard came up to me and asked if I was a brother. When I said I was, he took out a penknife and started cutting up my suit." Read more

The final request
As Morris nears his 60th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, "I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre."
"Why Brent Cross?" asks Patrick.
"Because then I`ll be sure my wife will visit me twice a week," replies Morris. Read more

The World`s Shortest Fairy Story
Once upon a time, Leah asks Bernie, "Will you marry me?"
Bernie says, "No," and Leah lives happily ever after - she goes shopping whenever she wants, drinks martinis, meets her women friends regularly, always has a clean house, has no men’s clothes strewn all over the place, never has to cook, never has her blankets pulled off her, stays slim, never has to feign a headache, never has to watch sports on television, and farts whenever she wants.   The End Read more

The jokers
[My thanks to Laurence F for this new version of an old joke]
Laurence the explorer hires the best jungle guide there is to take him into the middle of darkest Africa. After months of travel, they arrive at a jungle clearing and there, sitting in a circle, is Big Chief Levy and all his tribe.  As Laurence watches, one of the natives calls out, "44" and everyone in the circle, including Chief Levy, all laugh out loud. Then another native calls out, "63" and again they all laugh loudly.
Laurence is surprised by this behaviour and tells his guide to find out more about the ceremony. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and explains that the tribe always enjoys a good joke. Each joke has been given a number and to save time telling the jokes, they just call out its number.  Laurence immediately tells his guide to get him invited to join the circle. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and says, "Chief Levy say you can join the circle and tell one joke."
Laurence joins the circle and calls out, "27."  But no-one laughs. There isn`t even a titter – just complete silence. Even the birds are quiet. So Laurence tells his guide, "Ask Chief Levy why no one laughed at my joke."  The guide does as he’s told and when he returns, he says, "They didn`t like the way you told joke 27."
Laurence tells his guide to get him one more go. The guide comes back and says, "You lucky. Chief Levy say you can have just one more go."
Laurence calls out, "159"... and instantly, Chief Levy and his whole tribe fall about with raucous laughter for ten minutes.  When the laughter finally dies down, Laurence asks his guide to find out what happened this time.  The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and says, "Chief Levy say, `Great!  We hadn`t heard that one before.`" Read more