Jewish Jokes Category

Saving Money
Abe`s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you`ll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10." Read more

Moishe Cohen
Walking through London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen`s Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen `s Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, `What your name?`
He say, `Moishe Cohen.`
Then she look at me and go, `What your name?`
I say, `Sem Ting.`" Read more

A Good Read
Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!" Read more

The plaque
One shabbes morning, Rabbi Levy notices seven year old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul foyer. It was covered with names and small British flags were mounted on either side of it. David has been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walks over to him and says quietly, "Good shabbes, David."
"Good shabbes, Rabbi," replies David, still focusing on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" David then asks.
"Well, David," replies Rabbi Levy, "it`s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stand together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David`s voice is barely audible as he asks, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?" Read more

Shadchen 1
A shadchen, having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her.
Cyril took one look at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What`s the matter?" asked the shadchen.
"You said she was young," whispered Cyril, "but she`s forty if she`s a day! You said she was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely, but she`s fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don`t have to whisper," said the shadchen. "She`s also hard of hearing." Read more

Shadken 2
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son`s life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild`s daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild`s son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...." Read more

God’s Email!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
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No???
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Oh! YOU didn`t get one either. Read more

Hagbah!
In their infinite wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul. With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course - push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later, he`s back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says, "What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi." Read more

Abe and Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What`s new?"
"Abe, I`m into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it, Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I`m looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I`ll let you have it for £120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What`s new?"
"Umm, things are well. And with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you`re not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn`t the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so, I gave him back his £5!" Read more

Bagels
A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don`t have bagels like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And whose fault is that?" Read more