Jewish Jokes Category

The complainer
Morris and Isaac are constant companions. Morris is calm and laid back and never complains, whereas Isaac is a nervous person and is always complaining about something or another.
One day Isaac says, "How do you manage to get along so well with everyone you meet, Morris? I’d love to know."
"Oh, that’s easy," replies Morris, "I just never disagree with anyone."
"Morris," says Isaac angrily, "I think you’re a liar!"
"Don’t I know it," says Morris with a smile. Read more

Serious negotiation
In 1946, after many years of endeavour, Norman, Hymie and Maxwell Goldberg finally invent the first air-conditioning unit that can be fitted inside a car. So thrilled and confident are these three brothers that they decide to sell it to the largest car manufacturer in the world – Ford
They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars.
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion.
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers.
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as  "Norm"  "Hi"  "Max". Read more

What I want in a wife
Lionel tells his friend Sidney that he’s at last looking for a wife.
"So what kind of wife are you looking for?" asks Sidney.
"Well," replies Lionel, "she needs to be ultra beautiful, she needs to be very kind to me, and she needs to have lots of money."
"But you can’t marry three women at the same time," says Sidney. Read more

It will be a mitzvah!
One day, as Judith is reaching inside her fridge for something for dinner, she notices a plastic-wrapped chicken right at the back, on the bottom shelf. She removes it from the fridge and she’s not happy with what she sees. This is a chicken she bought many weeks ago and has forgotten about. It’s looking very ragged and unappetising - even a bit smelly. But just as she`s about to throw it in the bin, her husband Harry stops her.
"Don’t do that," says Harry. "Our neighbour Bernie has been out of work for months and he and his family probably haven’t had a roast chicken meal for ages. I think you should give him the chicken."
"But it`s no good, it’s probably gone off," says Judith.
"It doesn`t matter," says Harry, "just do it. It will be a mitzvah!"
So Judith gives the chicken to her next door neighbour. But then, two days later, they learn that Bernie is terribly sick and has been taken to the local hospital.
"We must go to the hospital right away," says Harry, "and pay Bernie a visit – it will be a mitzvah!"
The day following their visit, they learn that Bernie has died.
"Oy gevalt," cries Judith, "what on earth shall we do, Harry?"
"What shall we do?" Harry replies, "We shall go to Bernie’s levoyah, that’s what. It will be a mitzvah!"
Two days after attending Bernie’s levoyah, Harry says, "Judith, we`ve got to pay a visit to Bernie’s family while they’re sitting shivah. It will be a mitzvah!"
So Judith and Bernie go next door to join the family in prayers for the loss of their husband and father. By the time they return home, Judith is crying.  "Harry," she sobs, "don’t you think it was wrong of us to give Bernie that old chicken?"
"You must be joking, Judith," replies Harry. "From that one old chicken, we got ourselves four mitzvahs!" levoyah: funeral
shivah: 7 day period of mourning
mitzvah: good deed Read more

Riddle
Q: What’s the best thing a man can do to impress a Jewish Princess?
A: Do pull-ups. By that I mean pull up in a Lexus … pull up in a Mercedes … pull up in a Bentley Convertible. Read more

The Beatles secret Jewish Album
[The source of this is not known]

• Can’t Buy me Guilt
• Roll Over Maimonides
• We Can Kvetch it Out
• I Am the Bibi
• Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
• Lucy In The Shul With Derma
• Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
• We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
• You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah Too
• Can`t Buy Me Kishka
• This Goy
• Sgt. Pilpul`s Lonely Klezmer Band
• All You Need Is Lev
• The Shul on the Hill
• Your Mother Should Only Know
• If I Kvell

Read more

Retirement activities
Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years.
"So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold.
"Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year."
"Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?"
"I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again."
"Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon."
When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife`s name?"
"I`m not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it`s Veranda." Read more

The kosher hotel booking
One day, Cyril notices for the first time that his father Nathan is getting on in years and decides to treat him. When next he visits his father, Cyril says, "Dad, I’ve done well in business and I’d like to treat you. You haven’t been on holiday since Mum died and I think it’s time you went again. So I’m going to purchase a return flight to Miami Beach and book you into a nice hotel. I’m sure you’ll meet lots of new friends and the weather there will do you good. What do you say?"
"Oy, son, what a nice present," replies Nathan. "I’d love to go, but only on condition that you book me into a strictly kosher hotel."
"It’s a deal," says Cyril.
Cyril quickly makes arrangements for his father to stay 6 weeks at the ‘Kosher Minky Hotel’. Two weeks later, he takes his father to the airport and sees him off.
Every Sunday for the next four weeks, Cyril phones his father to check all is well. And the reply is always, "You didn’t need to call me, son, I’m well and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself."
But Cyril wants to see his father’s happiness for himself and decides to visit the Kosher Minky without telling anyone. When he arrives, he looks for his father in the lounges, the dining room and the swimming pool, but there is no sign of him. So he goes to reception and asks where he might find his father. The receptionist tells him that he should try the Goodservice Hotel, room 13.
Cyril immediately takes a taxi to the Goodservice, walks up to room 13 and knocks on the door. The door is opened by a tarty looking girl in her underwear, and there behind her is his father in a bathrobe.
"Father," shouts Cyril, "how could you? You’re a religious man and you made me book you into a kosher hotel. I’m totally shocked by what I see."
Nathan looks at his son and says, "I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up for, son. I don’t eat here." Read more

How do the dentures feel?
Abe’s eating a bagel for his mid morning snack and breaks his dentures. He searches Yellow Pages for a dental technician, but everyone he calls quotes him an exorbitant price. "I just don’t understand you, Abe," says his wife Sarah, "we have a newly qualified dentist in the family, so why don`t you call your nephew Arnold? I know you don’t think much of him, but I’ll bet he’ll give you a better deal than those gonifs you’ve just spoken to. Why don’t you go see him, he’s only five minutes away?"
"Oy Vay, Sarah," replies Abe, "You know I think Arnold is a shmuck. I wouldn`t want to put any dentures he makes in my mouth."
But Sarah doesn’t let up and 30 minutes later, Abe is discussing new dentures with Arnold. "I can make you a new set for only £100," says Arnold, "which is a special rate just for the family."
A week later, Abe has his first fitting and just as he thought, they’re uncomfortable. Over the weeks that follow, Abe regularly visits Arnold for adjustments. Sometimes Arnold adds some material, sometimes he grinds away some material and sometimes he bends some material, but to no avail - Abe never feels they fit perfectly.  Then suddenly Abe stops coming and Arnold thinks he is at last happy with his dentures.
Two months later, by chance, they meet in the street. "Hi uncle Abe," Arnold says, "it`s good to see you again. How do the dentures feel?"
"Let me answer that by telling you a true story," replies Abe. "For the past three weeks, we’ve been on a Caribbean Cruise. Whilst there, I hire a boat to do some deep water fishing and immediately I hook this great big 350 pound tuna. This is a very powerful fish and immediately begins to swim away from me. As I’m struggling to hold him, my 200 metres fishing line runs out and I’m nearly jerked over the side. Then the tuna turns around and starts swimming back towards me at great speed and now I’m frantically reeling in the line. Then I notice that somehow the loose line which has been falling in the boat has wrapped itself around my shorts, trapping my testicles. Before I can take any action, the tuna turns around for a second time and starts swimming even faster away from the boat. Arnold, believe me, just then, for the first time in many, many weeks, I didn`t feel your dentures!" gonifs: thieves/crooks
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis Read more

Marriage research
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But you’ve been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "I’m looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies. ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate Read more