Jewish Jokes Category

Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what`s a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what`s a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute." Read more

Politics
Israel`s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I`ve got it, I`ve got the solution to all our problems. We`ll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You`re nuts! That`s crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that`s if we lose. But what if we win?" Read more

The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything." Read more

Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?" Read more

All we ever seem to hear is Jewish jokes so here are two gentile jokes
Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It`s £500."
Patrick says, "OK, I`ll take it." Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know you `re expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I can`t make it."
His mother says, "OK." Read more

Jewish logic.
Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!”
Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we insert it there?”
Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert M in ‘Yitzhak’?”
And Hymie then says, “But that`s exactly what I`m asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?” Read more

Jewish Mothers
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week. Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money. Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: Who`s doing the catering? Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
A: Gefiltered. Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt. Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: What is a genius?
A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother. Read more

You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can`t stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What`s he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He`s waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot.  I said RICH doctor!" Read more

All In A Days Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children.
Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first class honours degree from Oxford and he`s now a doctor making £250,000 a year in Harley Street."
Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first class honours degree from Cambridge and he`s now a lawyer making half a million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school, never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "So what`s a sports repairman?"
Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches, rugby matches, cricket matches....." Read more

Last Wish
Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe, are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can each have one last wish.
"What`s your last request?" he asks Chuck, an American.
"I`d like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve Chuck with his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks Thomas, a Londoner.
"I`d like to smoke my cigar," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What`s your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my bum."
"Be serious," says the chief.
"Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
"OK," says the chief and delivers the requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
Chuck and Thomas are furious.
"Why didn`t you do that in the first place so we wouldn`t have had to go through all this?" they ask Abe.
Abe replies, "Are you mad? If I had done that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor." Read more