Jewish Jokes Category

The premonition
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Judith picks a firm of solicitors from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
"How can I help you, madam?" asks the solicitor.
"Is it true," asks Judith, "that if I get divorced, I`m entitled to 50% of all of my husband`s possessions?"
"Well," the solicitor replies, "the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husband’s entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?"
"Oh no," replies Judith, "I need to find a husband first." Read more

The car crash
Aaron and Renee are driving back from a short holiday when their car is involved in a minor accident. Aaron wasn’t concentrating and he hits a parked car. Fortunately, no one is hurt. Within minutes a police officer arrives at the scene.
"So what happened?" the officer asks Aaron, smiling. "How did you manage to hit that car? It couldn’t have been easy."
Aaron immediately replies, "It was mine Renee’s fault."
"Why do you say that?" asks the officer, making notes.
"Because," replies Aaron, "she fell asleep in the back seat." Read more

The cancellation
Freda is getting worried. Her husband Bernie walked out of their house earlier that day and hasn’t returned. At 9pm she goes to her local police station to report a missing person.
While she’s giving details to the officer in charge, she gives him a photo of Bernie and says, "When you find him, could you please tell him that my mother didn’t come after all. She decided she would stay the week at my brother’s house instead." Read more

The arrival
Sadie has died and today is her levoyah. Her husband Nathan and many of their family and friends are standing round the grave as Sadie’s coffin is lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners pick up some spades and help to fill the open grave with earth.
But on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkens, rain starts to fall, flashes of lightening fill the sky and loud thunder claps batter their ears.
Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, she’s arrived OK." Read more

The drive to school
David is driving his ten year old granddaughter Emma to school one morning when he accidentally hits his car’s horn.
Emma looks at him and asks, "Why did you toot your horn, grandpa David?"
"I didn’t mean to do it, Emma," David says. "I hit the horn by mistake."
"I knew it must have been a mistake, grandpa," says Emma, "because you didn`t say ‘shmuck’ afterwards." Read more

STOP PRESS:
[My thanks to Simon T for the following]
It’s true! In an old cookbook, there’s a recipe for "Roast Neck of Lamb" that begins with: -
"Wipe neck with a damp cloth."
(Most refreshing, I’m sure, but I say if you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen!) Read more