Jewish Jokes Category

The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous night`s lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife`s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife`s body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes." Read more

You can`t hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn`t help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry `s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mum`s thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking, mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I`ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don`t suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied "Well, I doubt it, but I`ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I`m not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I`m not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I`m not saying that you "do" sleep with Debbie, and I`m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don`t lie to a Jewish mother. Read more

Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car. Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but she doesn`t really care. Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea. It`s one of life`s mysteries  - how a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb. Another of life`s mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes! The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
  Read more

The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?" Read more

The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house when he came across a box he didn`t recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that`s not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1. Read more

Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying a `shiksa.`
The son replied, "But she`s converting to Judaism."
"It doesn`t matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It`s Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we always work on Saturday. It`s our busiest day."
"I won`t work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems." Read more

The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father`s bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of your mum`s cheese cake. Would you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It`s my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for after the funeral." Read more

The special order
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in Poland." Read more

Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800`s, Moishe had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain`t got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain`t goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss`n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput`n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?" "I`ll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "Vutaya talkin` ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don`t understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot `em."
"Vut you talkin` shoot Indians? I ain`t never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It`s easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who then put his hand in front of the driver`s face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot `em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You`ll never hit him he`s too far away. Wait `til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still see `em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver`s face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot `em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He`s still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I`ll tell you when to shoot `em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he`s close enough. Now you can shoot `em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah, I couldn` shoot`em." "Whadya mean you cain`t shoot `em? Why not?" demanded the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver`s face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot `em? I`ve known him ince he was dis big!" Read more

Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer`s position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don`t know but his face rings a bell." Read more