Jewish Jokes Category

Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother`s and dinner at your mother-in-law`s.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won`t be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one`s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby`s nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you`ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother`s face but not knowing exactly when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine`s son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one`s Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one`s favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one`s way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one`s face and collar after kissing all one`s aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one`s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one`s lines when called to read from the Torah at one`s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can`t tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor Read more

If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let`s go. I`m not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC`s tuchis the cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its  "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state,  your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB`s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM`s Read more

The school teacher’s prize.
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the £50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I`m very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business." Read more

The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving`s engagement - it`s time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I`ll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles." Read more

The dog.
Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She`s carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, "I`m sorry Madam, but you can`t keep the dog here. I`ll have to take it and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
"How do you know this isn`t your dog?" asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!" Read more

The thinker.
After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,

This fellow doesn`t look like a peasant, and if he isn`t a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I`m the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don`t need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He`s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he`s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah`s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I`m not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What`s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious". Read more

Seder warning.
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver. Read more

New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth". Read more

Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother`s Day? That`s from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That`s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He`s in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me." Read more

The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you`re not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you`re supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn`t it?" Read more