Jewish Jokes Category

The old lady.
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she`s walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies. Read more

The last meal.
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I`ll wait . . . ." Read more

The package.
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you`ll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?" Read more

More riddles.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..." Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit. Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan. Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl. Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?" Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don`t bother, I`ll sit in the dark, I don`t want to be a nuisance to anybody. Read more

The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril`s car, the policeman says, "I`ve come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I`d gone deaf." Read more

Are There Jews In China?
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don`t know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don`t you ask the waiter? I`d be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!" Read more

The Jewish advisor.
There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
They said, "It`s OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable."
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me."
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his `conversion`.
"OK," said the King, "if that`s how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You`re too important for me to lose."
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn`t you wait until after Passover?" Read more

The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don`t want to discuss it. I`m merely telling you because you`re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I`ve made up my mind, I`m divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don`t want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can`t decide to divorce Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It`s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you`re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don`t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where`s Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don`t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven`t told her yet. Believe me it hasn`t been easy. I`ve agonised over it for several days, and I`ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don`t do anything rash. I`m going to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won`t do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I`ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can`t bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don`t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won`t do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they’re coming for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah." Read more

Meeting with the synagogue secretary
Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the synagogue.
He trudged into the secretary’s office and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."
He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for my wife’s burial.
"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."
"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried." Read more

Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl"
"Mazeltov."
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi. Read more