Jewish Jokes Category

Share and share alike
Moishe was eating in Solly’s restaurant one day when he saw an elderly couple on another table. They had ordered one plate of salt beef and chips, one drink and one extra glass.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the salt beef into 2 portions, then counted the chips and divided them equally as well. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and put it in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat and his wife just sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap.
Moishe had to ask them whether they would accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old man said, “Oh, no, that’s very kind. We’ve been married 50 years now, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50.”
Moishe then asks the old lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “it’s his turn with the teeth.” Read more

The change maker
Freda was looking very sad whilst talking to her best friend Kitty. "Ever since we got married, Robert has been trying to change me. That’s all he seems to do. He got me to stop drinking, cut down significantly on my smoking, and he stopped me going shopping at Brent Cross at all hours of the day. He taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy the fine arts, he got me to enjoy gourmet cooking, classical music and recently how to invest in the stock market. He even sent me to Hebrew Classes."
On hearing this, Kitty said, "Sounds like are just a little bitter because Robert spends so much time trying to change you."
"I`m not bitter, " said Freda. "Now that I`m so improved, I find he just isn`t good enough for me any more." Read more

Rodney Dangerfield lines:

• A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there`s nobody home." I went right over... and nobody was home!
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel!
• One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
• It`s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I`m afraid to go to the bathroom.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a radio and a toaster!
• I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror and I feel like throwing up. What`s wrong with me?" He said, "I don`t know but your eyesight is perfect!"

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The gift
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist’s studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted:
`You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?`
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewellery.
Rebecca replied: `When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels`. Read more

The line up
The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don`t know, my wife told me to stand here." Read more

The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And mum would say, “What?” Read more

Life’s little conversations Beckie: “You’ll be sorry – I’m going to leave you.
Morris: “Make up your mind – which one is it going to be?” Beckie (to Sadie): “Just remember to be nice to your kids – they’ll be choosing your nursing home!” Morris (timidly to Beckie): “We’re not going out tonight and that’s semi-final!” Morris: “Beckie’s two hours late.
Max: “She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash or she’s shopping.”
Morris: “Oy vay! I hope she’s not shopping!” Read more

The visit to the Rabbi
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?” Read more

Holiday email
Moishe left the cold climate of Edgware and went on holiday to Florida. His wife Becky, who was in a Bridge competition, was planning to join him in Florida the next day.
When Moishe reached his hotel, he decided to send Becky a quick email to say he’d arrived and all was well. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written the email address she had given him, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, fainted and fell to the floor with a thud. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this email on the screen:
“Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.” Read more

The Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with £700 in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a £50 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had £750 in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the Rabbi.
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe me."
The Rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Rabbi takes the wallet out of the wealthy man`s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had £750 in it, I`m sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn`t have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he`ll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we`ll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with £750 in it!" Read more