Jewish Jokes Category

Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!" Read more

The widow
Becky`s husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes."
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?" Read more

Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I`ve decided to go back into the closet. I`ve met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You`ll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I`m very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she`s a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what`s her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?" Read more

Near to death
Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck." Read more

The garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What`s the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I`m just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I`m sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What`s a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He`ll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he`ll give you a hard time. But, he`ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he`s aroused, but since you`ve been complaining, I`ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won`t be too smart, so he`ll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, what`s the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What`s that, Lord?"
"As I said, he`ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you`ll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it`s our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman." Read more

The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That`s a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn`t there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don`t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That`s still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it`s still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!" Read more

The genie
Sadie is walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.
She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" Sadie asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I`ve always wanted a Mercedes Benz!" POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
"Well, that`s okay, as long as I`ve got my Mercedes," replied the woman.
"Next wish?" "I`d love a million pounds," replied the woman.
POOF! One million pounds appeared at her feet.
"Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO million pounds," said the genie.
"Well, that`s okay, as long as I`ve got my million," replied the woman.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The woman thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I`ve always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!" Read more

The loan
Issy walks into a central London bank and says he`s going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41 Read more

The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!" Read more

More riddles
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this." Q: Who, in history, had the very first motorcycle?
A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could be heard all over Israel. Read more