Jewish Jokes Category

The cow
One Sabbath afternoon, Jacob was in the Rabbi’s office and was looking out the window when he said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save it or should one let it drown?"
The Rabbi looked up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow."
"That`s a shame," says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it’s drowning."
The Rabbi replies, "Yes, it`s too bad."
Jacob continues, "Its head is now going under and it`s certainly going to die. I feel sorry for the animal."
"Yes," said the Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"
"And I feel so sorry for you," Jacob said.
"Why me?" said the Rabbi looking up.
"It is your cow." Read more

It’s obvious
Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"
His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn`t listening.)
"Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, `Here, have a piece of fruit`?" Read more

A lesson in economics
Issy is walking down the High Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did you know, Jacob, that I`m a walking economy."
Jacob answers, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well it`s like this Jacob," says Issy. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression." Read more

Fantasy
Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman`s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. Read more

Jumping to conclusions
Hetty was the local gossip and self-appointed guardian of the town`s morals. One day, she accused Moishe in front of a number of people of being an alcoholic, because she saw his car parked in front of the local wine merchant.
Moishe was a wise man. He just stared at her for a moment, said nothing and walked away.
Later that night, Moishe parked his car in front of Hetty’s house and left it there until morning. Read more

The lesson
Little Sarah was attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the lesson, she asks her teacher, "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "She’s thirty eight years old, Miss."
The teacher then says, "Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant."
Sarah then asks, "Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister, Sarah?"
Sarah answers, "She’s eighteen, Miss".
The teacher says, "Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
So Sarah then asks, "Can I get pregnant, Miss?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "I`m seven years old, Miss".
The teacher says, "No, Sarah, you can`t get pregnant."
Little Maurice, who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, "see, Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about." Read more

What to choose
Becky is out doing her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she goes up to one of the assistants and asks, "Excuse me. Can you explain the differences between all these toilet rolls, please?"
"Of course," he replies. He points out one brand, "This is our best because it’s as soft as a baby`s kiss. It`s £1.50 per roll." He picks up another roll and says to her, "This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but gentle and it`s £1.00 a roll." Then, pointing to the bottom shelf he tells Becky, "We call that roll our No Name brand, and it`s 50p per roll."
"Give me the No Name," says Becky.
One week later, Becky goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant.
"I`ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it`s rough, it`s tough and it don`t take crap off anybody!" Read more

Vive la difference
Maurice and Hetty were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening, as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That`s for 50 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams. "What was that for?"
Maurice looks at her and replies, "That`s for knowing the difference." Read more

The conversation
Rabbi Bloom and Father O’Reilly were arguing one day about religion. They went on for some time and very soon, things began to get out of hand.
Then Rabbi Bloom said, “We must not quarrel in this way. It’s not right. We are both doing God`s work, you in your way and I in His.” Read more

Room 50
Maurice, 53 years old, thought he was quite fit so he decided to join ‘David’s Place’, the up market London health club. It seemed all the Jews in North London went there.
On his first day, Maurice went to Room 50, the exercise room for over 50s, and tried out their stair-step machine. He told the instructor what he wanted to do and the instructor asked, "Shall I set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?"
"Make it ten," Maurice replied conservatively.
But after only a few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly breathe. So he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other men in Room 50 who were resting from their workouts, Maurice said to them, "I could only take three minutes on that thing."
"OK, OK, " replied one of them, "You don’t have to brag about it." Read more