Jewish Jokes Category

Adam and Eve
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What’s a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her.
Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What’s next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What’s caress?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her.
Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?". Read more

Five Quickies
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last £50 I gave you?" Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen? From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came." WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life". Read more

Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark." Read more

First day
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David." Read more

Trouble at School
"Hyman, you had better come over here right away. There has been some trouble with your son."
"Vy, vot’s heppened?"
"I can’t discuss it over the phone, you had better come."
So Hyman arrives at the school.
"I’m very sorry to tell you but we are expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
"But vy, vot’s he done?"
"Well, to be quite frank, we found him playing with his genitals."
"But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some of my best friends are genitals." Read more

The accident
Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told Maurice that they couldn`t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.  So Maurice offered to donate some of his own skin.  However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his tuchass.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and  on about her youthful beautiful skin!
One day, she was alone with Maurice and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Read more

The schmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams. Read more

The braggers
Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about their sons.
Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London."
Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London."
Hannah says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London." Read more

The car ride
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I`ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they`re driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what`s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That`s my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what`s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That`s my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what`s that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you`ve never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe. Read more

The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don`t want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question."
The defence counsel then got up and said to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo." Read more