Jewish Jokes Category

The budget
Helen and Issy were having a hard time financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand. When Issy returned from work, Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money.
She said, "Just think, Issy, we are £3 richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Great," Issy quickly replied. "Wash it again!" Read more

Get stuck in
When the air raid siren went off in Tel Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs, "Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute, Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac," Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon bagels?" Read more

Telephone messages
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?

• If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1;
• If you want chopped liver press 2;
• If you want chicken soup, press 3;
• If you want chicken soup with matzoh balls, press 4;
• If you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.

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Another visit to the doctor
(My thanks to Danny S for the following joke)
Benjy goes to see his doctor because he isn`t feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples from Benjy and asks him to come back the following week for the results.
When Benjy returns, his doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news for you, Benjy. What do you want to hear first?"
Benjy replies, "Let me have the good news first."
"OK," says the doctor, "they`re going to name the disease after you." Read more

Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more. She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last they`re finally together."
Sadie’s eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her legs." Read more

The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbos and he is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services explains his predicament to the shammas. Within minutes, Jacob comes over and invites him to be his shabbos guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was a lovely shabbos. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives Moshe an invoice for: -     1 hot bath,
    1 bar of aromatic soap,
    2 clean towels,
    1 full shabbos dinner,
    3 glasses shabbos wine,
    2 nights lodging (bed & breakfast),
    Fresh sheets,
    1 shabbos lunch, and
    1 afternoon tea.
    --------------------------------------------------
    TOTAL £75.00 "You`re charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let`s not argue. We’ll go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments, he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don`t be meshugah. Keep it. It was a pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of schmuck we have for a Rabbi." Read more

Forgetfulness
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter." Read more

A mother’s lament
“Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for from a child, after all I`ve done?” Read more

The curse
Rifka goes to see a famous Wizard and asks, "Is it possible to remove a curse I’ve been living with for the last 35 years?"
The Wizard replies, "It’s possible, but you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you in the first place."
Rifka says, "I now pronounce you man and wife". Read more

The Barmitzvah
Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion." Read more