Jewish Jokes Category

At the hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how`s that daughter of yours?"
Rose replies, "She`s OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He`s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary`s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely  grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how`s your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny." Read more

The missing years
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we`re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can`t be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?" Read more

The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?" Read more

Issy the ventriloquist
Issy had received no work for six months. So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
His agent said, "There`s no call for ventriloquists, but there`s plenty of work for psychics."
So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says, "I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?"
Issy replies, "If you just talk to him, £50. If he talks to you, a bit more, £70. But if you talk to each other while I`m drinking a glass of water, that will be £150." Read more

Chanukah story
Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt. The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes. To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I`ll leave a few toys." With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I`ll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops! He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you later.
I`ll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder." More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night." Read more

Three wishes
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn`t any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We`ll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now." Read more

The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we`ve tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk." Read more

The dry cleaners
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the tallis and an invoice for £50.
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to clean the tallis, fourty five pounds to take out all those knots!" Read more

The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What`s the red phone for?"
"That`s to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it`s an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it`s well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don`t suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it`s so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it`s just a local call." Read more

The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it`s a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest`s collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there`s nothing left, but we`re unhurt. You`re a priest and I`m a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here`s another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn`t break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren`t you having any wine?"
"No. I think I`ll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom. Read more