Jewish Jokes Category

Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. Morris was talking to his friend Sydney. “Do you know,” he said, “some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.” Q: Why are single Jewish women skinnier than married Jewish women?
A: Single women go to the fridge, see nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice and then go to the fridge. Definition of a perfect wife: Someone who helps her husband with the dishes. Read more

You must try once
Sam had just picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a nappy.
"I`m busy," he said. "I promise I`ll do the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn`t mean the next nappy, I meant the next baby." Read more

Isaac & Sarah – part 1
Isaac gets home late after attending his friend’s leaving party in the City. As soon as he walks in, there is his wife, Sarah, waiting for him.
Sarah looks at Isaac and says angrily, "Can you explain to me, Isaac, how this large red lipstick mark got onto your shirt collar?"
"No, I can`t," Isaac replies. "I don’t know how it happened - I distinctly remember taking off my shirt." Read more

Isaac & Sarah – part 2
The next morning, they are still arguing. Just before leaving for work, on his way out of the door, Isaac shouts at Sarah, "You’re not even good in bed."
When Isaac returns home after work that day, he looks for Sarah. He goes upstairs and notices that the bedroom door is closed. He goes in and there is Sarah in bed with his best friend.
"What the hell are you doing?" he shouts at her.
"Getting a second opinion," replies Sarah. Read more

I want to get married
Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I`ve found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can`t do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine." Read more

The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old and were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When all the family and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said to them, “Congratulations, you two. I’m here to grant you both one wish each.”
Sadie said, “I want to travel around the world.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW – Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW – Benny was 95 years old. Read more

This is what Sadie really means
She says  (But she means) We need  (I want) It`s your decision  (The correct decision should be obvious by now) Do what you want  (You`ll pay for this later) We need to talk  (I need to complain) Sure... go ahead  (I don`t want you to) You`re certainly attentive tonight  (Is sex all you ever think about?) You`re ... so manly  (You need a shave and you sweat a lot) I`m not upset  (Of course I`m upset, you moron!) I`m not emotional or overreacting  (I`m on my period) Be romantic, turn out the lights  (I have flabby thighs) This kitchen is so inconvenient  (I want new curtains, carpets, and furniture) Hang the picture there  (No, I mean hang it there) I heard a noise  (I noticed you were almost asleep) Do you love me?  (I`m going to ask for something expensive) How much do you love me?  (I did something today you`re not going to like) I`ll be ready in a minute  (Kick off your shoes and turn on the TV) Is my butt fat?  (Tell me I`m beautiful) You must learn to communicate  (Just agree with me) I`m sorry  (You`ll be sorry) Do you like this recipe?  (It`s easy to make so you`d better get used to it) Was that the baby?  (Get out of bed and rock him to sleep) I`m not yelling!  (Yes I’m yelling because I think this is important) Read more

Dear Moshe
My dear Moshe,
I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won`t you please, please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you.
All my undying love
Becky
XXXXXXXXXXX
PS  Mazeltov on winning the top lottery prize this week. Read more

How To Be a Good Wife
This is the text from a 50year old home economics textbook. Really!

"Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you`ve been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
Don`t greet him with problems and don`t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit."

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The tenth baby
Ruth has just given birth to her tenth child in Edgware hospital.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don`t you think this is enough of the babies, already?"
Ruth replied, "Are you joking? This is the only time I get to have a holiday each year." Read more