Jewish Jokes Category

The wedding
Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
"It`s so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela. Tell me, what`s new?"
"I`m getting married, grandma."
"My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful. Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
"Well, they`re not like our people, grandma, they`re native Americans."
"So, they are first generation."
"No, grandma, you don`t understand. They live on a reservation."
"Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn`t cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
"No, grandma, you don`t understand. We are getting married in a teepee."
"Oh, that`s nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
"But grandma, I have to tell you that you won`t be able to come to the wedding."
"But why Sammela, your grandma has to be at your wedding?"
"I`m sorry, but only native Americans and persons with Indian names can attend."
"Well, then, I will be there."
"How grandma, you don`t have an Indian name."
"Yes Sammela, I do."
"What, grandma, what`s your Indian name?"
"Sitting Shiva." Read more

riddle
Q: What`s the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and then begs the court for mercy - because he`s an orphan. Read more

Memories
Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83, who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
"Moishe, I`m not the same any more. I can`t remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait! Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose, Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?" Read more

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The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I`ve just been elected president, won`t you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can`t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy`s and Bloomingdale`s to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!" Read more

A matter of life and death
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane`s engines conk out. Immediately, the priest grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don`t worry about me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake." Read more

The builder
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.
Many year`s later, when a search party finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues on his tiny island.
"Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks Benny.
Benny points to the nearest one and replies, "That`s the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn`t go inside if you paid me!" Read more

The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you`ve only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you`ve known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you`ll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That`s a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
"It`ll seem longer." Read more

The theft
Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges! Read more

How you can tell...
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?
1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
2. "Isn`t it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"
3. "I get the standing and the sitting bit, but when do we kneel?"
4. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
5. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn`t they know what time it starts?"
6. "Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
7. "This food after the service is really good, but wouldn`t it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"
8. "Hey, I remember this part from `Fiddler on the Roof`."
9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
10. "You there, slow down, you`re getting ahead of the soloist!"
11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress circle?"
12. "You`d think nobody has ever seen a mobile phone."
13. "It`s show time! They`re opening the curtains."
14. "Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf."
15. "The boy can`t be more than 12 or 13 - and they let him read?"
16. "When do they take up the collection?" Read more