Jewish Jokes Category

Dishonour
Two Japanese businessmen are taking their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you."
Hirokosan can`t believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
"Your wife is dishonouring you and she’s doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home and confronts his wife.  "I’m told that you’re dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
She replied, "That’s a lie.  Where did you hear such mishegoss?" Read more

True prayers?
One night, Nathan overhears his son Benny saying his prayers. "God bless mummy and daddy and grandma. Goodbye, grandpa."
Nathan thinks this a bit strange. The next day, the grandfather dies.
About a month or two later, Nathan hears Benny saying his prayers. Once again, "God bless mummy. God bless daddy. Goodbye, grandma."
The next day the grandmother dies. Nathan gets more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, Nathan once again overhears Benny’s prayers. "God bless mummy. Goodbye, daddy."
This nearly gives Nathan a heart attack. He doesn`t say anything, but gets up early next morning to go to work to avoid the traffic. He stays out all through lunch and dinner and finally, after midnight, leaves his office. He`s still alive!
When he gets home, he apologizes to his wife, Sarah. "I’m sorry, darling. I had a very bad day at the office."
"You think you had a bad day?" Sarah says, "The postman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning." Read more

My present
As little Rivkah climbed onto Santa`s lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
Rivkah stared at him, open mouthed and horrified, then gasped,  "Didn`t you get my email?" Read more

Out of tune
Moshe and Sadie were getting all snuggled up in bed one night and passions were heating up nicely. Suddenly, Sadie stops and says, "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Moshe says, "What?"
Sadie says, "You’re obviously not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
Moshe quickly realizes that nothing is going to happen that night.
The next day, Moshe takes Sadie to John Lewis department store. He escorts her into Ladies Fashions and makes her try on three expensive outfits. He then tells her, "Why don’t we take all three of them?"
He then makes her choose matching shoes for each outfit at £200 a pair.  Then they go into Jewellery and he helps her choose some diamond earrings.  Sadie is so excited. She thinks Moshe has flipped out, but she doesn’t care. So she also chooses a lovely alligator bag.
Moshe says, "but you don`t even like alligators! OK, if you like it, then let`s get it."
Sadie is jumping up and down with excitement. She can’t believe what is going on. She says, "I’m ready, Moshe, lets go and pay for all this stuff."
But Moshe says," No, darling, we`re not going to buy all this stuff."
Sadie’s face drops.
"No darling, I just want you to hold all of this for a while."
Sadie’s face gets red and she is about to explode but then Moshe says, "You’re obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a man". Read more

His ashes
Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he`s standing there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he`s looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, "What`s this?"
Sharon says, "Oh, my father`s ashes are in there."
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
Sharon then says, "Yes, he`s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." Read more

What charge?
It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"But that`s not an offence," said Judge Levy.
"It is if you do it before the shop opens," said the defendant. Read more

Money, money
Maurice and Sadie were having a heated discussion on family finances. Finally Maurice exploded, "If it weren`t for my money, this house wouldn`t be here."
Sadie replied, "Darling, if it weren`t for your money, I wouldn`t be here." Read more

Business is business
One morning, the teacher asks her class, “All those who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand.”
Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks, “Why don’t you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?”
“Because,” he replies, “I heard my father tell my mother, ‘Business has gone to hell’ and I want to go where the business went.” Read more

Bread problems
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes." Read more

Cultivate
Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course titled, ‘Improve your English’ and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell "cultivate."
Jacob spelled it correctly.
Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word ‘cultivate’ in a sentence.
Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, "Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home." Read more