Jewish Jokes Category

Interview Question
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day, he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That`s easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......" (Bernie got the job....) Read more

Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It`s `Hawaii` I`m telling you." Hetty said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. `Havaii` is how it`s pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, they asked a porter, "Now that we`re on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this `Hawaii` or `Havaii?`"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See, didn`t I tell you never to argue with me? I`m always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You`re Velcome." Read more

A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He`s an old man and can`t walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what`s happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don`t think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie`s shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I`ve just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named `Top Hat` at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he`s been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi`s hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where`s the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn`t matter," Bernie said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka." Read more

Job search
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn`t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn`t hack it … so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn`t suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn`t cut it. Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn`t have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn`t have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn`t fit in. I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn`t up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn`t fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB! Read more

My Yiddishe Momma
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don`t behave, I`m going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that`s why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you`re in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I`ll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You`ll sit there `till all your spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I`ve told you once, I`ve told you a million times - Don`t Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don`t have wonderful parents like you do!" THANKS, MUM! Read more

The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn`t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you`ll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don`t bother," replies Abe, "I`ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That`s all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said `two sisters`. I didn`t say they were mine!" Read more

Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn`t invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I`m truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said, "Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt." Read more

Henry`s big problem
Henry goes to the doctor`s surgery to collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I`m sorry, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife`s samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we don`t know which one is your wife`s. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can`t tell which is which."
"That`s terrible," says Henry, "can you do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical insurance policy won`t pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street. If she finds her way home, don`t sleep with her." Read more

What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can`t help but think, from listening to you, that you`re from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I`m from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David`s Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again." Read more

Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can`t wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you`re feeding me is tasty? You try it. It`s dreck - much too salty. And you just don`t seem to care about me anymore. You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can`t remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He`s young and I`m still training him. He thought I said KVETCH." Read more