Jewish Jokes Category

Philosophical thoughts

• I had a shock the other day when I read in the papers that 1 in 4 Londoners suffers from some kind of mental illness. I’m fairly certain my 3 best friends are normal, so it must be me. Oy vay.
• I’m not into working out because my philosophy is, “no pain, no pain.”
• But I am in shape. Well, round is a shape.
• My bubba believed we should all stay in shape. As soon as she reached 60, she started walking four miles every day. She’s 75 now and we have no idea where she is.
• I’m neither for nor against apathy.
• I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator. However, I never got round to it.
• I’ve always wanted to be somebody. Maybe I should have been more specific.
• I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
• I plan to live forever. So far, so good.
• You don’t stop laughing because you’ve grown old. You’ve grown old because you’ve stopped laughing. [So keep on reading these jokes]

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The bonding
On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living.
The first little girl replies, "My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman."
The next little boy replies, "I`m Peter and my dad is a gardener."
But the next little boy says, "My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night."
Christine quickly changes the subject.
Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?"
Moshe blushes and replies, "I`m sorry teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so." Read more

The benefit of Private Medical Insurance
Benjy is getting chest pains and goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I`m convinced that you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub it in twice a day." Read more

Well, I never
Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for £250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren`t worth anywhere near £250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
"But we didn`t use them," Yitzhak complains.
"Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers in the UK perform here," he says.
"But we didn`t go to any of those shows," complains Yitzhak again.
"Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
"But sir," the Manager says, "this cheque is only made out for £75."
"That`s right," says Yitzhak. "I charged you £175 for sleeping with my wife Fay."
"But I didn`t," exclaims the Manager.
"Well," Yitzhak replies, "she was here and you could have." Read more

Who has enemies?
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following joke]
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, “Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies.“
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question.
This time about 80% raise their hand.
But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, “Mrs Levy, aren`t you willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don`t have any enemies,” she replies.
“That`s very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?”
“I`m 98, Rabbi.”
“Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world.”
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, “I outlived the momzers, that’s how.” Read more

The promise
Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers in her ear, "I`m going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
Sarah says, "I`ll miss you." Read more

The soldiers
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead.  An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them.  He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The Rabbi looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule.  According to the bible, it is obviously an ass.  Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible." Read more

The night out
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
“The teeth.” Read more

Dog attack
[My thanks to my Rabbi for the following joke]
Sidney loved dogs. He thought nothing of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how vicious a reputation it had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked him. So serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained.
If you ever come across Sidney’s grave, you will find these words inscribed on his headstone, “HE HAD NO MAZEL” Read more

The greeting
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says.
“Nu, is this how my friend greets me?” says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
“So how are you, Hymie?” Avrahom asks.
“Don’t ask.” replies Hymie. Read more