Jewish Jokes Category

A serious chat With Mum
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I`m having a bad day. The baby won`t eat and the washing machine won`t work. I`ve sprained my ankle and I`m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I`m supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven`t even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it.  Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I`ll be over in half an hour. I`ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I`ll feed the baby and I`ll call an engineer I know who`ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I`ll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who`s David?"
"Why, David `s your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I`m sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you`re not coming over?" Read more

Riddles
Q.  What`s the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A.   Oil of Oy Vay Q.  What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A.  "Plaintiff." Q.  What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A.  Nothing, nothing at all. Q.  What`s a Jewish woman`s idea of natural childbirth?
A.  No make up whatsoever. Read more

The visit
Becky`s grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you`ll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You`re coming empty handed"? Read more

Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn`t have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother`s kipah?" Read more

The Tailor
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and sees a little tailor`s shop named COHEN and O`REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...`You sopprized by dis!?` he asks....
`Well, yes` says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...`I mean...COHEN and O`REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It`s different! It`s heartwarming!`
`Vell` says the little Jewish tailor `Here`s annuder soprize for you, I`m O`Reilly!` Read more

Oy Vey!
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge in a house in Hendon.
Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let`s get back to the game." Read more

A Model Son
"I`m so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it`s not that terrible."
"But you don`t understand," said Benny. "I make men`s clothes." Read more

Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I`m sorry, but you can`t take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can`t bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You`re right. You`re allowed one carry-on bag, but I`m supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?" Read more

Watch that door!
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted but soon after realises that he`s forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except on the bathrooms. He`s worried that the decorator won`t put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you`re happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those little boxes and left them on the table for you." Read more

Adam’s payment
After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn`t good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier.
I`m going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That`s sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn`t come for free. This is someone so special that it`s going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That`s a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?" Read more