Jewish Jokes Category

The threatening letters
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Moshe was a kosher butcher in Hendon. He was not doing very well and to make matters worse, his wholesaler kept on writing him threatening letters to pay his outstanding invoices. After the fifth such letter, Moshe lost his patience and replied to his wholesaler. This is what he wrote: -

Dear Sir,
I object to your recent threatening letters and I think I need to explain to you how I do business. Every month, my accountant calculates how much money I can afford to pay out. Then I place all my creditors’ invoices in a hat and get my secretary to draw out as many invoices from the hat as I have money to pay. If you persist in sending out these threatening letters, I won`t even put your invoices in the hat."

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What’s in a name?
Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don’t tell anyone, Sam, but mine Sadie once again had a headache last night. "
"Really? " said Sam.
"Yes," replied Benny, "it’s been like this for some weeks now and I’ve been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life."
"Which one?" Sam asked.
"Passover." Read more

Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich." Read more

What a mitzvah
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy. Read more

Insider information
Benny has been suffering with his hearing for many years and at last decides to see a doctor. After examining Benny, the doctor tells him, "I’m surprised you’ve put up with this problem for so long. All you need is a hearing aid."
Within days, Benny is fitted with a state-of-the-art hearing aid and is asked to return in 4 weeks time for a check up.
Benny returns to the doctor a month later and after another examination, the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect, almost 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
Benny replies, "Oh, I haven`t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result, I`ve changed my Will three times already." Read more

I’m not sure
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes

"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.” "Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."

Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be  ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe. Read more

Knowledge is a wonderful thing
Rose has filed for divorce. When she and Sam finally attend the court hearing, the judge asks her, "So what do you find wrong with your husband?"
"Well, among other things, your honour, he lies; he’s aggressive; he steals my money; and he’s poor in bed. In fact he’s a bit of a shlemazel(*)."
"Those are serious allegations," says the judge, "can you prove them?"
"Prove them?" replies Rose, "I don’t have to, your honour, everyone knows what Sam is like."
"If you knew all of this," asks the judge, "why on earth did you marry him?"
"But I didn`t know it before I married him," replies Rose.
Sam then shouts out, "She did too, your honour."
(*) An unlucky person / clumsy oaf Read more

Appreciation
Gary, a financial advisor, is talking to one of his elderly lady clients about her recent purchase of £100,000 worth of Marks and Spencer shares.
"Rivkah, do you remember your recent investment in Marks and Spencer? Well, I’ve just heard that they are going to split."
"Oy vay, vat a pity," she replies sadly, "I`m really very upset to hear about it - especially as they’ve been together for such a long time." Read more

A visit to the butcher
Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."
Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?" Read more

Deja vu
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy, the synagogue president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "I’ve just heard the news. I’m really sorry that you’ve decided to leave us."
"Don’t worry," says Rabbi Morris, "you’ll have nothing to worry about. I’m going to recommend a successor whom I believe will be better than me."
"But that’s exactly what’s worrying me," says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing." Read more