Language Jokes Category

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn`t noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:Dear Madame,It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, nodoubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn`t go regularly, and she hasn`t gone for nearly a year.I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.Hoping I have been of some assistance.Sincerely yours,The Schoolmaster Read more

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don`t speak Spanish," the preacher says.The missionary replies, "No, I don`t. It`s that obvious?""Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up." Read more

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the catruns away."See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it`s important to learn a foreign language?" Read more

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied."Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."The group became silent. Read more

The difference a little punctuation makesDear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we`re apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?GloriaDear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to beinguseless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we`re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?Yours,Gloria Read more

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.The two Aussies just stare at him."Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.The two continue to stare."Parlare Italiano?"No response."Hablan ustedes Espanol?"Still nothing.The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y`know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.""Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn`t do him any good." Read more

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted."You must mean the lift," he said."No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.""Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts"."Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator.""Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language." Read more

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed `Hebonics`, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city`s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question Is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, `How are you?` may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?`"Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains,shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It`s beautiful, that dress."Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as `He`s slow as a turtle,` could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.Question: "What time is it?"English answer: "Sorry, I don`t know."Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."English response: "Thanks."Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner`s ready."English response: "Be right there."Hebonic response: "Alright already, I`m coming. What`s with the `hurry` business? Is there a fire?"Remark: "I like the tie you gave me, wear it all the time."English response: "Glad you like it."Hebonic response: "So what`s the matter; you don`t like the other ties I gave you?"Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."English response: "Congratulations!"Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."To guest of honor at his birthday party:English remark: "Happy birthday."Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."Remark: "A beautiful day."English response: "Sure is."Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"Answering a phone call from son:English remark: "It`s been a long time since you called."Hebonic remark: "You didn`t wonder if I`m dead yet?" Read more

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it`s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German."The group became silent. Read more

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.If you are really interested to know, the above means: "Be brief and don`t use big words." Read more