Language Jokes Category

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn`t canine.English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren`t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don`t fing, grocers don`t groce, and hammers don`t ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn`t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?If teachers taught, why didn`t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? (Author unknown) Read more

Spelling PoemEye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh.As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rare lea ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weighMy chequer tolled me sew. Read more

In promulgating your esoteric cogitation or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency,and a concatenated consistency.Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiation have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.In short: "Be brief and don`t use big words." Read more

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."A voice from the back of the room piped up, `Yeah, right.` Read more

What language do the Vatican Police speak?Pig Latin! Read more

*The Hokey Pokey*Original LyricsPut your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat`s what it`s all about.*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean StyleO proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven`s yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.Verily, I say, `tis what it`s all about. Read more

An English teacher was explaining personal pronoun. He pointed at a student and asked,`Give me a sentence containing two personal pronouns.` `Who? Me?` Read more