Life Jokes Category

Applied mathematicsROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = affairDumb man + smart woman = marriageDumb man + dumb woman = pregnancyOFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeSHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn`t need.GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICSA woman worries about the future until she gets a husbandA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.HAPPINESSTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.LONGEVITYMarried men live longer than single men, butmarried men are a lot more willing to die.MEMORYAny married man should forget his mistakes, there`s no use in two people remembering the same thing.APPEARANCEMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.PROPENSITY TO CHANGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn`t.A man marries a woman expecting that she won`t change, and she does.DISCUSSION TECHNIQUEA woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.COMPREHENSIONThere are 2 times when a man doesn`t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You`re next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Read more

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set2. A day without sunshine is like, night.3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.7. I feel like I`m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.11. Remember half the people you know are below average.12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don`t get sucked into jet engines.18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don`t expect it back.22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.26. Support bacteria - they`re the only culture some people have.27. When everything`s coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.28. If at first you don`t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.30. Experience is something you don`t get until just after you need it.31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you`ll have to catch up.46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.48. Get a new car for your spouse - it`ll be a great trade!49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.54. If at first you don`t succeed, then skydiving isn`t for you. Read more

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse`s lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being`s life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too." Read more

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.Life does teach some lessons the hard way. Read more

Time Gets Better with AgeI`ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".Age 5I`ve learned that our dog doesn`t want to eat my broccoli either.Age 7I`ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.Age 9I`ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.Age 12I`ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.Age 14I`ve learned that although it`s hard to admit it, I`m secretly glad my parents are strict with me.Age 15I`ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.Age 24I`ve learned that brushing my child`s hair is one of life`s great pleasures.Age 26I`ve learned that wherever I go, the world`s worst drivers have followed me there.Age 29I`ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.Age 30I`ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don`t know how to show it.Age 42I`ve learned that you can make some one`s day by simply sending them a little note.Age 44I`ve learned that the greater a person`s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.Age 46I`ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.Age 47I`ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.Age 48I`ve learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.Age 49I`ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.Age 50I`ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.Age 51I`ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.Age 52I`ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.Age 53I`ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.Age 58I`ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.Age 61I`ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.Age 62I`ve learned that you shouldn`t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.Age 64I`ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.Age 65I`ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.Age 66I`ve learned that everyone can use a prayer.Age 72I`ve learned that even when I have pains, I don`t have to be one.Age 82I`ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.Age 90I`ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.Age 92 Read more

LIFE`S OBSERVATIONS:1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you`re in bed with a relative.2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."3. I have my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here.4. Money can`t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?6. I don`t approve of political jokes. I`ve seen too many of them get elected.7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.8. I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?12. Isn`t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Read more

Make Life More EnjoyableOld telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don`t know.Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).If a person is choking on an ice cube, don`t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Read more

Words of wisdom1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.6. You should not confuse your career with your life.7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.9. Nobody cares if you can`t dance well. Just get up and dance.10. Never lick a steak knife.11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is at age eleven.16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.19. Your friends love you anyway. Read more

My Wish for My GrandchildrenWe tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.For my grandchildren, I`d like better.I`d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches, I really would.I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honestyby being cheated.I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn, and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it`s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he`s scared, I hope you let him.When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you`ll let him.I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don`t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won`t be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.I don`t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don`t like it.And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor`s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.These things I wish for you -- tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.To me, it`s the only way to appreciate life.Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I`m here for you. And if I die before you do, I`ll go to heaven and wait for you.-Paul Harvey Read more

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn`t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.Here are some facts about the 1500s:1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by the next month. Even so, they were starting to stink, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty someone could actually get lost in it! Hence the saying, "Don`t throw the baby out with the bathwater."3. Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It`s raining cats and dogs."4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house in those days. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That`s how canopybeds came into existence.The floors were dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt, from which came the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when the door was opened it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway to prevent this, hence the saying a "thresh hold."5. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that hadbeen there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."6. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."7. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.8. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."9. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gatheraround and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."10. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." Read more