Life Jokes Category

Applied mathematicsROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = affairDumb man + smart woman = marriageDumb man + dumb woman = pregnancyOFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeSHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn`t need.GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICSA woman worries about the future until she gets a husbandA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.HAPPINESSTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.LONGEVITYMarried men ... Read more

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set2. A day without sunshine is like, night.3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.7. I feel like I`m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.11. Remember half the people you know are below average.12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don`t get sucked into jet engines.18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don`t expect it back.22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.26. Support bacteria - they`re the only culture some people have.27. When everything`s coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.28. If at first you don`t succeed, destroy all ... Read more

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse`s lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human bein... Read more

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practi... Read more

Time Gets Better with AgeI`ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".Age 5I`ve learned that our dog doesn`t want to eat my broccoli either.Age 7I`ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.Age 9I`ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.Age 12I`ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.Age 14I`ve learned that although it`s hard to admit it, I`m secretly glad my parents are strict with me.Age 15I`ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.Age 24I`ve learned that brushing my child`s hair is one of life`s great pleasures.Age 26I`ve learned that wherever I go, the world`s worst drivers have followed me there.Age 29I`ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.Age 30I`ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don`t know how to show it.Age 42I`ve learned that you can make some one`s day by simply sending them a little note.Age 44I`ve learned that the greater a person`s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.Age 46I`ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.Age 47I`ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.Age 48I`ve learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits... Read more

LIFE`S OBSERVATIONS:1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you`re in bed with a relative.2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."3. I have my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here.4. Money can`t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?6. I don`t approve of political jokes. I`ve seen too many of them get elected.7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it... Read more

Make Life More EnjoyableOld telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don`t know.Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.No ti... Read more

Words of wisdom1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.6. You should not confuse your career with your life.7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.9. Nobody cares if you can`t dance well. Just get ... Read more

My Wish for My GrandchildrenWe tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.For my grandchildren, I`d like better.I`d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches, I really would.I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honestyby being cheated.I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn, and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it`s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he`s scared, I hope you let him.When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you`ll let him.I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don`t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won`t be seen riding with someone as uncool as you... Read more

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn`t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.Here are some facts about the 1500s:1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by the next month. Even so, they were starting to stink, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty someone could actually get lost in it! Hence the saying, "Don`t throw the baby out with the bathwater."3. Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It`s raining cats and dogs."4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house in those days. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That`s how canopybeds came into existence.The floors were dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt, from which came the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when the door was opened it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway to prevent this, hence the saying a "thresh hold."5. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot... Read more