Math Jokes Category

"Isn`t statistics wonderful?""How so?""Well, according to statistics, there are 42 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of those, only about half get hatched. Of those that hatch, three fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year old for one reason or another. Isn`t statistics wonderful?""What`s so wonderful about all that?""If it weren`t for statistics, we`d be up to our asses in alligators!" Read more

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?

A. An algae-bra. Read more

A mathematical biologist spends his vacation hiking in the Scottish highlands. One day, he encounters a shepherd with a large herd of sheep. One of these cuddly, woolly animals would make a great pet, he thinks..."How much for one of your sheep?" he asks the shepherd."They aren`t for sale", the shepherd replies.The math biologist ponders for a moment and then says: "I will give you the precise number of sheep in your herd without counting. If I`m right, don`t you think that I deserve one of them as a reward?"The shepherd nods.The math biologist says: "387".The shepherd is silent for a while and then says: "You`re right. I hate to loose any of my sheep, but I promised: One of them is yours. Have your pick!"The math biologist grabs one of the animals, puts it on his shoulders, and is about to march on, when the shepherd says: "Wait! I will tell you what your profession is, and if I`m right I`ll get the animal back.""That`s fair enough.""You must be a mathematical biologist."The man is stunned. "You`re right. But how could you know?""That`s easy: You gave me the precise number of sheep without counting - and then you picked my dog..." Read more

Do you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? Read more

Q: How can you tell that a mathematician is extroverted?

A. When talking to you, he looks at your shoes instead of at his. Read more

When the math professor`s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband: My dearest wife, We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you`re reading this, I`m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I`ll be home before midnight. Your husband, who will never stop loving you. When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads: My beloved husband, You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you`re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy. Your loving wife. P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don`t stay up and wait for me. Read more

"Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it.""That`s easy: one, one, and twelve.""But twelve isn`t odd!""It`s an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..." Read more

Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?

A. A M?bius strip club. Read more

At a press conference held at the White House, president George W. Bush accused mathematicians and computer scientists in the U.S. of misusing classroom authority to promote a Democratic agenda. "Every math or CS department offers an introduction to AlGore-ithms", the president complained. "But not a single one teaches GeorgeBush-ithms..." Read more

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation."I don`t understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You`re an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!""Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane.""So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!""Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That`s quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn`t have any peace of mind on a flight.""And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?""You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..." Read more