Miscellaneous Jokes Category

There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son." Read more

A sign outside of a restaurant boasted "We serve anything you want,
So one smart Alec went in, and ordered roast monkey and chips.
"Certainly, sir, said the waiter and went into the kitchen only to reappear
a few minutes later looking very disappointed.
"No monkey, smirked the smart Alec.
"It`s not that sir. We have run out of potatoes.

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There are three friends who are sitting in a diner having lunch. On the table is a glass with some water. One of the friends who is an optimist says the glass is half full. The second friend who is a pessimist says the glass is half empty. The third friend who is a plumbing engineer says the glass is too small. Read more

Riley, Michael and Tyler were on a bus home from school. All of a sudden a fire-truck zoomed past them. They all saw the dalmation in the front of the truck sitting beside the driver. Michael said "Hey, don't they use those dogs to clear out the crowd at a scene of a fire?" Riley rudely interrupted saying "No stupid, the firemen use the dogs for good luck charms." Fed up with his friends, Tyler interjected saying, "How come you guy's are so dumb? The fireman who drives the truck uses the dalmation to spot out the fire hydrant closest to the fire!!!" Read more

One cold winter day on lake Erie, two guys were fishing about 20 feet apart through the ice.
One guy wasn't having any luck. The other guy was pulling out fish every time he put his line in the water.
This made the other guy curious. "Hey," he yelled to the other, "what are you using for bait??"
The other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
The one guy was very puzzled and said, "WHAT?"
And again the other guy yelled back, "Mfff Mfff Ogghh Mfft Offt Berr Wttt"
Finally the guy had to know what the other guy was saying so he got up and walk over to him and said, "What the hell did you say?"
And then the guy spit something into his hands and said, "You have to keep your bait warm"
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Two brothers John and Mike went fishing, every time John threw his hook he caught a
fish but Mike was very unlucky. By the end of the day John had caught more than
twenty fish but Mike had caught nothing. Next day Mike woke up very early in the morning, dressed in John's clothes and carried John's hook. He went to the river and sat where John was seating yesterday. He threw the hook and waited. Darkness
cleared and the sun rose, after about 4 hours of his waiting a fish popped out and asked him "where is John?"
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Q. Why was the strawberry so sad?
A. His parent`s were in a jam.
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Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid." Read more

Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings?
A: Because they "cantelope." Read more

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. BUT IF YOU CAN'T EAT ALL YOUR CHOCOLATE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?????
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Read more