Miscellaneous Jokes Category

During Marine Corp basic training, one private was being hassled by his drill instructor.
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Corp, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Marines, I'm never going to stand in line again!" Read more

Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs? Read more

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying. Read more

A man sitting at a bar claiming to be the world's strongest man, squeezed every drop of juice from a lemon. Then said, "Whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon will be the world's strongest and will have earned $100." Just about every man at the bar tried without luck, then a skinny, wimpy looking guy walks up and squeezes three more drops from the lemon. The strong man asked, "How did you do that?" the little man replied, "I am an IRS agent" as he walked out. Read more

A boy walks into the school nurse's office.
Nurse: Why are you here?
Boy: I`m sick
Nurse: sick of what?
Boy: The teacher
Read more

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." Read more

A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.

The first one is called in, and asked, "What is two plus two?"
She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.

The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"
He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.

The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, "What is two plus two?"
He answers, "What do you want it to be?" Read more

There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word “ it`s "UP. It`s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP Read more

Mary said to her neighbor, "Don`t tell me you believe your husband`s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn`t come home with a single fish.
That`s why I believe him, the neighbor said.
Read more

A border patrol officer is patrolling the border between the United States and Canada one night when a man drives up on a motorcycle. The officer stops the man and asks, "What do you have in that backpack there?" The man replies, "Sand." "Sand?" the officer says puzzled, "Please open the bag sir." The man opens the bag and there is sand. "Alright, you may go on your way then, the officer said with a puzzled look. The man then drives off into the darkness. The next week, the same man on his motorcycle drives up to the same station that he did before. He says that there is sand in the bag and, sure enough, there is. The man drives up on a motorcycle with sand in his bag every week for a couple of months. The officer starts to think, "This guy is trying to smuggle something and I am going to be the one that catches him." The next time the man drives up to the station, the officer says, "I promise, I'm not going to arre Read more