Money Jokes Category

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...Regis: "Barbara, you`ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"Barbara: "Sure I`ll have a go."Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it...A-RobinB-SparrowC-CuckooD-Thrush"Remember, Barbara, it`s worth 1 million dollars."Barbara: "It`s a cuckoo."Regis: "You`re sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."Barbara: "I want to play, I`ll go with C - Cuckoo."Regis: "Is that your final answer?"Barbara: "It is."Regis: "Are you confident?"Barbara: "Absolutely!"Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you`re right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here isyour check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?""It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos livein clocks." Read more

Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!It`s common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton`ssalary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff - and, this is all perfectly legal!The joke is on us! Read more

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.When he had finished, the priest said, "Here`s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water`s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked."Absolutely," replied the businessman."You went to the beach?""Absolutely.""You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?""Absolutely.""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?""Absolutely.""And what were the first words you saw?""Chapter 11." Read more

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!""I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.""What are you talking about? That`s one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake.""I don`t think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, `Insufficient Funds`." Read more

When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for the week ends, with the support of our parents.One night he called from Porland and ask our mother if they would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he yelled from across the room, "Tell him to stick a feather up his butt and fly home!"My brother said, "What did Dad say?"Our mother answered, "He said, you`ll have to take the bus home, dear." Read more

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver`s side. Thelawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can`t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don`t notice anything else.""How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.The cop replied, "Don`t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.""My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where`s my Rolex?" Read more

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play."Here`s a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you`ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem." Read more

A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he`s a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool.The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there`s a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give?-for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don`t we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!" Read more

I`m so broke....I`m so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.I`m so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.I`m so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn`t have enough to leave the couch!I`m so broke that I just went into McDonald`s and put a small fry on layaway.If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn`t buy a wart off a cucumber!I`m so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I`d have to borrow one.We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.I`m so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.I`m so broke, long distance companies don`t even call me to switch!If I stopped on a dime, I`d probably owe it to someone.I ain`t broke, but I`m severely bent.Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."I`m so broke I can`t afford to pay attention!A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"I`m so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."We`re so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window. Read more

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can`t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!""Sorry, I still can`t hear you clearly," says his father.The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!" Read more