Mother Jokes Category

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" Read more

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving."Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." Read more

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Read more

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M` and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You`re a mother!" Read more

A Letter from an Irish MotherDear Son,Just a few lines to let you know I`m still alive. I`m writing this slowly because I know you can`t read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, `cos we`ve moved.Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it`s not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven`t seen them since.Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven`t found out if it`s a boy or girl, so I don`t know if you`re an uncle or aunt.Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother`s grave wasn`t paid in seven days - up she comes.Your loving Mother XXXXP.S. I was going to send you 10 Punt, but I`d already sealed the envelope. Read more

Christmas LetterDear Darling Son and That Person You Married,Merry Christmas to you, and please don`t worry. I`m just fine considering I can`t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I`ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you`ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they`ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she`s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?Well son, it`s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don`t you worry about me. I`m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don`t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.Merry Christmas.Love, Mom Read more

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don`t talk back to me!"4. My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don`t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don`t pass your spelling test, you`ll never get a good job."7. My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don`t you think I know when you`re cold?"8. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don`t come running to me."9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don`t eat your vegetables, you`ll never grow up."10.My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS..."You`re just like your father."12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you`ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you`ll see what it`s like." Read more

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?""Not too good," said the mother. "I`ve been very weak."The son said, "Why are you so weak?"She said, "Because I haven`t eaten in 38 days."The man said, "That`s terrible. Why haven`t you eaten in 38 days?"The mother answers, "Because I didn`t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." Read more

Things Your Mother Wouldn`t Say"Be good and for your birthday I`ll buy you a motorcycle!""How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?""Don`t bother wearing a jacket--it`s quite warm out.""Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it`s good for another week.""I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.""Yeah, I used to skip school, too.""Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery.""Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?""Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!""Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know.""I don`t have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve.""Well, if Timmy`s Mom says it`s okay, that`s good enough for me.""Of course you should walk to school and back. What`s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?""My meeting won`t be over till later tonight. You kids don`t mind if we skip dinner? Read more

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here`s just a small humorous sampling:PAUL REVERE`S MOTHER: "I don`t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY`S MOTHER: "I don`t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"MONA LISA`S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that`s the biggest smile you can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY`S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I`ve told you once, I`ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS`S MOTHER: "I don`t care what you`ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"BABE RUTH`S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That`s the third broken window this week!"MICHELANGELO`S MOTHER: "Mike, can`t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON`S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren`t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER`S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don`t go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN`S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can`t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"BARNEY`S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you`re starting to look a little purple."MARY`S MOTHER: "I`m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."BATMAN`S MOTHER: "It`s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS`S MOTHER: "I`ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET`S MOTHER: "Well, all I`ve got to say is if you don`t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there`ll be a lot more spiders around here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN`S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it`s your senior picture. Can`t you do something about your hair? Styling gel,mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON`S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"JONAH`S MOTHER: "That`s a nice story, but now tell me where you`ve really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN`S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we`ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"THOMAS EDISON`S MOTHER: "Of course I`m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"No claim of the authenticity of any of these quotes is made! Read more