News Jokes Category

(Culled from newspapers)- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5` 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears. Read more

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... ...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts` content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It`s A lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!""And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..." Read more

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies2. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter16. War Dims Hope for Peace17. If Strike Isn`t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Read more

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.Texas executes last remaining citizen.Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby`s for $4.6 million.Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036. Read more

The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 19991. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half17. War Dims Hope for Peace18. If Strike Isn`t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Read more

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day`s mistake.MONDAY:For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.TUESDAY:Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones` ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."WEDNESDAY:Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."THURSDAY:Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don`t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit. Read more

How The Media Would Cover The ApocalypseUsa Today:We`re DeadThe Wall Street Journal:Dow Jones Plummets As World EndsMicrosoft Systems Journal:Apple Loses Market ShareSports Illustrated:Game OverWired:The Last New ThingRolling Stone:The Grateful Dead Reunion TourReaders Digest:`ByeDiscover Magazine:How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?Tv Guide:Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!Lady`s Home Journal:Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!Inc. Magazine:Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse Read more

Funny Newspaper BloopersHere are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.A purple lady`s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor`s task force on driving while intoxicated.He hasn`t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.Montreal police don`t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday. Read more

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it`s surprising there aren`t more mistakes.When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.Here just a few samples:1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.4.From a California bar association`s newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.6. In Frank Washburn`s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners` clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.9. In the City Beat section of Friday`s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler`s Mother, not Hitler`s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson`s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I`m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."15. In one edition of today`s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley`s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct. Read more

Great Sales TechniqueA newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday`s paper.The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where`s the story about the big swindle?"The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" Read more