News Jokes Category

(Culled from newspapers)- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5` 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.- Organ donations from t... Read more

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... ...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their he... Read more

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies2. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half12. Mi... Read more

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.Nursing home ... Read more

The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 19991. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told13. Miners Refuse to... Read more

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day`s mistake.MONDAY:For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.TUESDAY:Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones` ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."WEDNESDAY:Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us tha... Read more

How The Media Would Cover The ApocalypseUsa Today:We`re DeadThe Wall Street Journal:Dow Jones Plummets As World EndsMicrosoft Systems Journal:Apple Loses Market ShareSports Illustrated:Game OverWired:The Last New ThingRolling Stone:The Grateful Dead Reunion TourReaders Digest:`ByeDisc... Read more

Funny Newspaper BloopersHere are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.A purple lady`s bicycle was missing from S... Read more

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it`s surprising there aren`t more mistakes.When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.Here just a few samples:1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.4.From a California bar association`s newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.6. In Frank Washburn`s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include... Read more

Great Sales TechniqueA newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front... Read more