Old Age Jokes Category

We`re over the hill but don`t feel sad This side of the hill ain`t all that bad. So give us "five" and then a smile To us who have been here for awhile. With by-pass pain and mended hip And plumbing fixtures prone to drip; We all may seem a sorry lot, But we rejoice for what we`ve got. We have each day and what it brings And on our pensions live like kings. For the press that accuses what we take To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake." We`ve paid our share for unused knowledge As the kids are now all done with college. We complain to them about our health As they worry about our dwindling wealth. And though our wardrobes may be plain We`ll suffer no more labor or pain. Now it`s with cane we do our strut And if we can`t drive - we still can putt. We`re mean and tough, meet all demands, Why, M&M`s melt in our hands. Yes, we`re still here, and it does delight us That you join our fight against arthritis. But we ask you make a pledge today That you`ll be careful what you say. We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear Or we`ll have those young folks over here. Read more

A story I`ll tell of a burglar bold Who started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide, `Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their money I`ll take a quiet sneak." So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn`t know it was an old maid`s room Or he wouldn`t have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o`clock he saw a sight That made his hair turn gray. At nine o`clock the old maid came in; "I am so tired," she said; She thought that all was well that night So she didn`t look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head; The burglar, he had forty fits As he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck; The old maid wasn`t asleep at all And she grabbed him by the neck. She didn`t holler, or shout or call, She was as cool as a clam; She only said, "The Saints be praised, At last I`ve got a man!" From under the pillow a gun she drew, And to the burglar she said, "Young man, if you don`t marry me, I`ll blow off the top of your head!" She held him firmly by the neck, He hadn`t a chance to scoot; He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye, And said, "Madam, for Pete`s sake, shoot!" Read more

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..." Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?" Abe says, "OK, OK. I`ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?" Sam answers, "Eleven years!" Read more

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain`t no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I`m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I`m too old to squat!!!" Read more