Osama Bin Laden Jokes Category

Letter from OsamaHi guys. We`ve all been putting in long hours but we`ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no `I` in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can`t foget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it`s good to be concerned about the cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don`t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I`ve posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.Second, it`s not often I make a video address but when I do, I`m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we`re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we`re taping. Thanks.Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. Thats all I`m saying.Finally, we`ve heard that there may be American soldiers disguised, trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.Love you guys.Osama Read more

Osama`s ValentineLittle David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine`s Day. "Since Valentine`s Day is for a Christian saint and we`re Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"David`s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don`t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?""Osama Bin Laden," David says."Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock."Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we`re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he`d love everyone a lot. And then he`d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn`t hate anyone anymore."His father`s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride."David, that`s the most wonderful thing I`ve ever heard.""I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him." Read more

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?

A. Nothing, yet. Read more

Osama in HeavenAfter getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington."How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" says Washington, slapping Osama in the face.Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans` liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama`s knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said? Read more

Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen wearing t-shirts that read:It`s God`s job to forgive Bin Laden.It`s our job to arrange the meeting!---United States Marine Corps--- Read more

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?

A. Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. Read more

Osama bin Laden goes to a psychic who says "You will die on an American holiday" Needless to say bin Laden is shocked."Which one?" he asks."Doesn`t matter", says the psychic. "Whatever day you die will become an American holiday." Read more

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin LadenPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn`t that sound a lot like a B-52?"Ask him if he`s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan`s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.Order him ten Domino`s pizzas with extra ham topping.Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven`t seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.Switch all the CD`s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he`ll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.Mine his bathroom.Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.comAsk him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.comGive him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you`ll get to "kick his butt every day for eternity".Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.Tell him it`s lovely what he`s done with his cave, but that it`d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.Claim you once saw him at a Hooter`s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.Ask him if he wouldn`t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you`ve ever attended.Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.Ask him if he`s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who`s having a baby on Friends.Warn him that you`re "in a New York state of mind."Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they`ve ever thought of modeling.Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he`ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!" Read more

The Top 17 Songs About Osama bin Laden17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin` on my Head16. Ain`t No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves15. Taliban on the Run14. Jalalabad Moon Risin`13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker12. Freebeard11. Allah Said Knock You Out10. The Goatest Love of All9. Don`t Cry for Me, Al Qaeda8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clau (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned Her to Death)7. Meet`yer Mak`er6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy4. The Night They Drove Ol` Dickhead Down3. He Ain`t Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone`s Going to Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance2. (Crappin` in the) Back of the Caveand Topfive.com`s Number 1 Song About Osama bin Laden...1. Cheney`s Got a Gun. Read more

David Letterman presented an hour-by-hour account of a day in the life of Osama bin Laden:7:00 am: "He wakes up and asks his assistant, `Am I still alive?`"8:00 am: "Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt."10:30 am: "He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-e-Sharif Amoco."11:30 am: "Has trouble opening a jar of peanut butter; declares jihad against Skippy."1:00 pm: "Tae-Bo."1:30 pm: "Records a video demanding America surrender or else he`ll make another video demanding America surrender."2:30 pm: "He`s a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest."3:00 pm: "Picks Mullah Omar`s name in this year`s Secret Santa drawing."4:00 pm: "Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents. Gets bored, switches to Oprah."5:00 pm: "Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8, and 16."9:00 pm: "Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a spooked rat."12:00 am: "Kiss family goodnight. Kiss ass goodbye" Read more