A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, ?My Sin?, ?Desire?, and ?Ecstasy?. She says to the salesperson, ?I don`t want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice.? Read more

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Why do morons like lightning?They think someone is taking their picture.Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?Pull the pin and throw it back at him.How did the moron fall on the floor?He tripped over the cordless phone.How did the moron try to kill a bird?He threw it off a mountain cliff !Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?To see what was on the other side!How do you confuse a moron?Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.Why can`t a moron dial 911?He can`t find the 11 on the phone!How do you keep a moron in suspense?I`ll tell you tomorrow! Read more

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Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:Thank you for calling heaven.For English press 1For Spanish press 2For all other languages, press 3Please select one of the following options:Press 1 for requestPress 2 for thanksgivingPress 3 for complaintsPress 4 for all othersI am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.If you would like to speak to:God, press 1Jesus, press 2Holy spirit, press 3To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.Thank you and have a heavenly day. Read more

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An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "We`re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. Read more

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Top 10 Things to do at the Mall10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there`s much meat on them.4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.1. Show people your driver`s license and demand to know "whether they`ve seen this man." Read more

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